
T .S r>rNlSON & COJ^PANY CHICAGO i 






DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. 
Price 15c eacii, Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 



DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 

M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, 2V2 hrs (2Sc) 8 8 

After the Game, 2 acts, \% 

hrs (2Sc) 1 9 

All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(2Sc) 4 4 

American Hustler, 4 acts, 2^ 

hrs (2Sc) 7 4 

Arabian Nights, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 4 S 
As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 

IVi hrs (2Sc) 9 7 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, IVa, hrs (25c) 6 14 

Bank Cashier, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 8 4 

Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 9 3 

Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2}4 

hrs (25c) 7 3 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Burns Rebellion, 1 hr (25c) 8 5 

Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

College Town, 3 acts, 2}4 

hrs (25c) 9 8 

Corner Drug Store, 1 hr. 

(2Sc) 17 14 

Panger 3ignal, '2 acts, 2 hrs.. 7 4 
Daughter of the Desert, 4 

acts, 254 hrs (25c) 6 4 

Down in Dixie, 4 acts, '2.V2 

hrs <25c) 8 4 

Dream That Came True, 3 

acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 6 13 

Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr (25c) 10 

Enchanted Wood, 1^4 h.(35c).OptnI. 
Everyyouth, 3 acts, XVi hrs. 

(25c) 7 6 

Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (2Sc) 4 4 

Fascinators, 40 min (25c) 13 

Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

11/2 hrs. .., (25c) 9 14 

Heiress of liietmvn, 3 acts, 2 

hrs. ...*..*.: (25c) 8 4 

High School, Freshman, 3 acts, 

2 hrs. ..* (25c) 12 

Honor of a Cowboy, 4 acts, 2*4 

hrs (25c) 13 4 

Indian Days. 1 hr (50c) 5 2 

In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2^^ 

hrs (25c) 6 4 

Iron Hand, 4 acts, 2 hrs. . (2Sc) 5 4 
Jayville Junction, XVz hrs.(25c)14 17 
Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 

acts. 2'4 hrs (25c) 6 12 

Lexington, 4 acts, 2J4 h..(25c) 9 4 



Light Brigade, 40 min (25c) 10 

Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Lodge of Kye Tyes^ 1 hr. (2Sc)13 
Lonelyville Social Club, 3 acts, 

Wi hrs (25c) 10 

Man from Borneo, 3 acts, 1 

hrs (2Se) 5 2 

Man from Nevada, 4 acts, 2^^ 

hrs (25c) 9 5 

Mirandy's Minstrels (25c) Optnl. 

New Woman, 3 acts 1 hr.... 3 6 
Old Maid's Club, Wz hrs. (25c) 2 16 
Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (25c'> 8 6 

Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 

W), hrs (25c) 12 9 

On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 

21/2 hrs (2Sc)10 4 

Out in the Streets, 3 acts, 1 hr. 6 4 
Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 2}^ hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 2% 

hrs (2Sc)10 12 

School Ma'am, 4 acts, 1^ hrs. 6 5 
Scrap of Paper, 3 acts, 2 hrs.. 6 6 
Soldier of Fortune, 5 acts, 21/2 h. 8 3 
Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (2Sc) 7 

Third Degree, 40 min (25c) 12 

Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 6 A 

Tony, The Convict, S acts, ZVz 

hrs (?5c) 7 4 

Topp's Twins, 4 acts, 2 h.(25c) 6 4 
Town Marshal, 4 acts, 2^ 

hrs (25c) 6 3 

Trip to Storyland, 1^ hrs. (25c) 17 23 
Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2"4 hrs. (25c) 8 3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (2Sc) 7 10 

Lender the Laurels, S acts, 2 hrs. 6 4 
When the Circus Came to 

Town. 3 acts, 2^ hrs. (25c) 5 3 
Women Who Did, 1 hr...(2Sc) 17 
Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 

FARCES, COIMEDIETAS, Etc. 

April Fools, 30 min 3 

Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 

Baby Show at Pirteville, 20 min. 19 

Bad Job, 30 min 3 2 

Betsy Baker, 45 min 2 2 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 

Billy's Mishap, 20^min. . . . . . . 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 

Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 

Box and Cox, 35 min ,. 2 1 

Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 

(Convention of Papas, 25 min.. 7 

Country Justice, 15 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 - 



T.S.DENISON&COMPANY,Publishers,154W.RandolphSt.. Chicago 



A POOR MARRIED MAN 





MR. WALTER BEN HARE 
AS 

"a poor married man' 



A POOR MARRIED MAN 



A FARCE COMEDY IN 
THREE ACTS 



BY 

WALTER BEN HARE 

AUTHOR OF 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman," "Civil Service," "A College Town," "The 

Fascinators," "Laughing Water," "Macbeth a la Mode," "Mrs. 

Tnhbs of Shantytown" "Parlor Matches," "Ruse o' My 

Heart" "A Rustic Rouico," Sewing for the 

Heathen," "A Southern Cinderella," 

"Savagcland," Etc., Etc. 




CHICAGO 
T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 
Publishers 
C 1 ^15" :3 



P5 35t5 

A POOR MARRIEdTvIAN 

who's who. 

Professor John B. Wise, aged 27. .A Poor Married Man 

Doctor Matthew Graham, aged 54 

A Country Physician 

Billy Blake, aged 20 A Popidar College Boy 

Jupiter Jackson, aged 23 A Black Trump 

Mrs. Iona Ford, aged 48 Some M other-in-laiv 

ZoiE, aged 20 Her Charming Daughter 

June Graham, aged 18 A Little Freshman 

Rosalind Wilson, aged 19 A College Reporter 

College Boys and Girls (may be omitted.) 

Place — A Small College Tozvn in the Middle West. 

Time of Playing — Tivo Hours. 



Act I. Interior of Professor Wise's pretty little bunga- 
low. "Plail to the Bride!" A distant thunderstorm. 

Act II. Same scene as Act I. Too much mother-in-law. 
It never raiijs but it pours. 

Act IIT*. • Same scene, two years later. A happy little 
home. After a storm comes a calm. 



Notice. — Production of this play is free to amateurs, but the sole 
professional rights are reserved by the Publishers, 



COPYRIGHT, 1915. BY RBEN H. NORRTS. 

0CI.D 41103 

JUN28I9I5 '^-^z 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 



THE STORY OF THE PLAY. 

A Poor Married INIan is offered to amateurs with the con- 
fidence that their audiences will be delighted with a play 
combining the best elements of comedy with the action and 
movement of pure farce. It is not a "sit down and talk" 
play, it is decidedly a "get up and do" play. The refined 
comedy scenes of the innocent old country doctor and his 
modest little daughter are in sharp contrast to the ludicrous 
adventures of the newly married college professor and the 
antics of his negro servant who thinks himself poisoned. 
Action is the dominant keynote of this play. 

A professor has married a charming young lady whose 
mother insists on accompanying the pair to their new home, 
much to the disgust of the groom. His friends mistake 
the mother for the bride and relate to the professor sundry 
escapades of the mother's husbands and her daughter. 
Professor Wise naturally thinks they are referring to his 
wife instead of her mother. A dashing college boy and a 
pretty reporter add to the professor's growing suspicion. 
Finally he becomes convinced that his wife means to poison 
him. The bride, who has married the professor at her 
mother's instigation, learns that she really loves Billy, and 
when the mother learns that Billy is wealthy and that he 
is in love with her daughter, she determines to divorce the 
professor from Zoie. She is successful in this and in the 
first instance marriage is proved to be a failure. 

The professor marries again after a year and he selects 
a girl who will not encumber him with a mother-in-law, 
but to his horror her innocent old father is trapped into a 
marriag'e with the woman who caused all his former trouble, 
and Mrs lona Ford once more becomes the professor's 
mother-in-law. But Billy, who has been on a trip around 
the world, has located Mrs. Ford's original husband in 
China. All ends happily and all pronounce marriage a dis- 
tinct success. 



4 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

SYNOPSIS FOR PROGRAM. 

Act I. Living room in the professor's bungalow. The 
students prepare a hot reception for the professor and his 
bride. The pretty college reporter writes up the home 
coming. The dummy bride. Jupiter has trouble with the 
"decoriations." ''Well, I'll be dog-goned." The bride's 
mother arrives. "Is this a lunatic asylum?" "No, lady, 
it's only a college town." "That's the same thing!" "Here 
comes the bride !" A befuddled bridegroom. "Is dat young 
hippopotamus our little pet dog Socrates?" "Say, how old 
is my daughter?" "I should say about twenty." "Then 
how old is my wife?" "Well, she must be at least twenty- 
one." Lobster salad and mysterious disappearances. A 
modern Lucrezia Borgia. Getting rid of Socrates. "My 
dear, you've married a lunatic !" 

Act II. Same scene as Act I. Billy and Zoie. "Pro- 
fessor, I love your wife*." "Take her mother." Doctor 
Graham and his modest little daughter make a great im- 
pression on the professor. "We'll get a divorce." A peace- 
ful little lunch. "'Good lawsey me, I'se poisoned, I'se a 
dead nigger, I'se a gone coon !" Off for Reno. 

Act III. Two years later. A happy family. ]\Tarriage 
is not a failure. A letter from Billy. Doctor Graham and his 
bride. "She's like a violet, a little, timid, shrinking violet !" 
June mistakes Zoie for her new mamma. "You have de- 
ceived me, sir; I'll get a divorce." The professor's night- 
mare. Billy's trip to China and what he found there. 
"Marriage is a great and grand success." 



COSTUMES. 
Modern and characteristic. 



PROPERTIES. 
Act I. 

Old shoes (seven or eight). 
Wliite cambric ribbons. 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 5 

Signs, "Oh, You Kid," 'The Newlyweds." "Hail to the 
Bride," "Because I'm Married Now," "The Bride." 

Dummy seated R. C. made of pillows, dress, hat, shoes, 
etc. 

Small step ladder. 

Notebook and pencil for Rosalind. 

Broom and dustpan for Jupiter. 

Two grips for Mrs. Ford. 

Horns, megaphones, etc., ofif stage. 

Grip for Zoie. 

Grip, umbrella, hat box, strapped shawl, bird cage, bun- 
dles for professor. 

Large ugly dog on chain for Billy. 

Towel to tie around V/ise's head. 

Flowers in vase on table. 

College bell off L. (Strike suspended piece of iron with 
iron rod.) 

Champagne basket with two bottles of (real) champagne. 

Shot gun. 

Framed picture. Picture made of paper to tear easily. 

Act H. 

Apron and cap for Zoie. 
Apron and cap for Mrs. Ford. 
White table cloth. 

Plates, dishes, bread, carving knife. 
Cups, saucers, knives, forks, spoons, etc. 
Large dish of (real) lobster salad. 

Grip containing shirts, ties, socks, white trousers, etc. 
(about thirty pieces). 
Wheelbarrow for Billy. 

Act HL 

Breakfast dishes. Toast rack. 

Doll with baby cap and long dress. 

Crib. 

Two letters for Jupiter. 

Opera glasses in crib. 

Grip for Graham. 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 



SCENE PLOT 




Note: An ordinary interior scene may be used if found more 
convenient to set than the above arrangement. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 



R. means right of stage; C, center; R.C., right center; 
L., left; 1 E., first entrance; U. E., upper entrance; R. 3 E., 
right entrance, up-stage, etc.; R.D., right door; L.D., left 
door, etc. ; up-stage, away from footlights ; down-stage, 
near footlights. The actor is supposed to be facing the 
audience. 



A POOR MARRIED MAN 



Act I. 



Scene: The living room of Professor Wise's pretty 
bungalow in a small college toivn in the Middle West. A 
pretty interior setting. Scene boxed to shozv one corner of 
the room, one xmll extending from down R. diagonally to 
R. C. at rear {here is the corner); the other zvall extending 
from down L. to R. C. rear. A tall piece of statuary, tall 
piano lamp or higli potted palm in the corner. Draped arch 
in left wall showing hall setting beyond. Small door in R. 
wall and also windozu, this last item at the convenience of 
the stage carpenter. 

Green carpet doivn zvith several medlnm-sised fur rugs. 
Mantel masked by screen may be up L. (This is not essen- 
tial.) Furniture shoidd be dark. Large table dozvn L. 
covered zvith dark rloth, books, magazines, zvriting material, 
flozvers in vase, blank books, etc. Three chairs around this 
table. Large leather couch dozvn R. Several easy chairs 
around stage. Other furniture, bric-a-brac, etc., as desired 
to dress stage. Pictures on zvall. Large easy chair at R. C. 

Several old shoes tied zvith bozvs of zvhlte cambric are 
suspended from zvall, table, etc. Sign reading "The Nezvly- 
zveds" stands leaning against table. Other signs, "Hail to 
the Bride," "Welcome Home," "Oh, You Kid," "Because 
Fm Married Nozv," etc., in plain viezv of audience. Dummy 
figure of zvoman seated in easy chair at R. C. Sign on 
figure reads "The Bride." 

Lights on full throughout the act. 

Four or five students {male or female) are discovered 
at the rise of the curtain arranging signs, etc., all zvorking 
busily. Billy P)LAke is discoz'cred on small step ladder 
hanging sez'eral old shoes on a string over the arched en- 

7 



8 A POOR ]\IARRIED MAN. 

trance in L. wall. The sJioes hang just at the height to strike 
anyone in the face icho enters. 

Bright music. The Wedding March from Lohengrin {or 
similar music) played loud and fast, to take up the curtain. 
After rise there is a slight pause, tJie characters on stage 
all ivorking busily, laughing, etc. 

Billy (^/7^ on ladder and surveys his completed work). 
There, I guess that's all right. {Looks around stage.) 
Some hot reception for the newly-weds, what? They'll be 
here pretty soon ; the train is just about due now. 

Enter Rosalind Wilson from L., dodging the hanging 
shoes. She carries small notebook and pencil. 

Rosalind. Hello, folkses. (Looks around and laughs.) 
Say, it's great. Perfectly killing. You ought to have a 
medal. ( Writes in book.) "The house was decorated in old 
gold silken draperies and cream tea roses." I'm going to 
give them the biggest write-up that ever appeared in the 
Student. {May change name to local paper.) This is my 
first wedding and Tm going to be a credit to my paper. 

Billy {descending). See, Rosalind here's the bride. 
{Points to dummy.) Get onto her curves. 

Rosalind (at L.C.). The bride? (Sees dummy.) Oh, 
Billy, she's a dream. {IVrites.) "The bride wore a beau- 
tiful going-away gown of the new putty broadcloth, edged 
with cerise suede and a duck of a hat. Her entire appear- 
ance showed at a glance that she has admirable taste as 
well as youth and beauty. She will be a most welcome 
addition to the younger faculty set of the college." 

Billy (at L.). Say, the train ought to be in by now. 

Rosalind (turns to him). It is. Came in five minutes 
ago. I just caught a glimpse of the wedding ]Kirty. Pro- 
fessor Wise looked too happy for words. Everyone in 
town is down at the station with megaphones, dinner bells 
and fish horns. I never heard anything like it. 

Billy. Come on. We're missing something. Hurry ! 
(Runs out L. foUozved by other students.) 

Rosalind. I wonder if they've opened the presents yet. 
I suppose not. The bride will want to do that herself. 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. » 9 

What will she think of us? Well, I should worry. She 
certainly is receiving a warm welcome. 

Enter Jupiter Jackson from L. He zvears a cook's 
zvhite apron and carries a broom and dustpan. He gets 
tangled zvith the hanging shoes. Dodges around them, hits 
at them with broom. Falls, etc. Sits on floor. 

Jupiter (slozvly). Well, I'll be dog-goned. Ain't dem 
students just scandalous? I wonder what de professor's 
goin' to say? 

Rosalind. Good morning. 

Jupiter (rises). Good morning, lady. Is you want 
something ? 

Rosalind. Oh, no. I'm a reporter on the Daily Stu- 
dent. I'm covering the home coming. 

Jupiter (stupidly) Covering what? 

Rosalind. Writing about the wedding. It's all right. 
Professor Wise knows me. I'm Miss Wilson. 

Jupiter. Say, you didn't hang all dese-yere decoxiations 
round here, did you? 

Rosalind. Oh, no. I'm perfectly innocent. 

Jupiter. What does all dese yere signs say? Looks 
like a grocery store on Saturday night. 

Rosalind. Well, this one says, "Oh, You Kid," and 
this one "Because I'm Married Now." They're wedding 
presents from the students. 

Jupiter (looks around slowly, then slozvly speaks). 
Well, I'll be dog-goned. 

Rosalind. The professor and his wife have just arrived. 

Jupiter. Is dey? Here, lemme get to work. I'll bet 
he'll think I did all dis yere fooling. Where is he at? 

Rosalind. Down at the station. 

Jupiter. Jes' look at dem shoes. Ain't dat scandalous? 
Say, I got to take 'em down. 

Rosalind. Nonsense. Leave them alone. The profes- 
sor will be delighted. 

Jupiter. Delighted? Yes'm, dat's so. He'll jest about 
delight on my head wif a broomstick. Dat's what he'll do. 
Something's goin' to happen, kase I feels it in my bones. 



10 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

(Cheers heard in distance.) 

Rosalind. Oh, they must be coming. I've got to see 
the fun. (Goes to L.) 

Jupiter (folloimng her). Yes'm ; but what'll I do? (As 
Rosalind exits L. she szmngs shoe back, striking Jupiter. 
After pause). Well, I'll be dog-goned. Say, I got to 
clean up all dis muss. (Gets down on knees, szveeps dirt 
in dustpan. JJ'orks around to chair, sees shoe of the dummy 
and skirt, but nothing else as the chair is facing the other 
way.) 'Souse me, lady, but I got to clean up in here. 
(Pause.) 'Scuse me, but de professor don't 'low nobody 
here today 'cause he's jest got married. (Pause, turns, 
looks at chair distrustfully.) Humph, she ain't saying 
much. (Rises, zvorks around stage, finally bumps into chair 
containing dummy.) 'Scuse me, lady. Maybe she's asleep. 
(Turns chair around.) Umm-umm ! (Pause, he examines 
dummy, then smiles.) Well, I'll be dog-goned. (At R.) 

Enter from L. Mrs. Iona Ford, carrying tivo grips. 
She runs into shoes, drops grips, runs into ladder, uttering 
exclamations, finally sinks in chair dozvn L. 

Mrs. F. Heavens! Where am I? What is it? A lu- 
natic asylum? 

Jupiter (comes C.). Is you want something, lady? 

Mrs. F. Colored man, colored man, what docs all tliis 
mean ? 

Jupiter. White lady, white lady, dog-goned if I know. 

Mrs. F. Is this a lunatic asylum? 

Jupiter. No, lady, it's only a college town. 

Mrs. F. Well, that's all the same thing. Are you the 
servant here? 

Jupiter. Yes'm, I'se de chambermaid. 

Mrs. F. What's that ladder standing there for? 

Jupiter (carelessly) . Nothing at all, nothing at all. Jes 
decoriations. 

Mrs. F. Oh, I'm flustrated, frustrated! 

Jupiter. Say, lady, is you looking for Professor \\'ise? 

Mrs. F. Looking for him. I came with him. I le's out 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 11 

there in the yard making a speech to the students. We 
just got in on the last train. 

Jupiter. Is you the bride? 

Mrs. F. Colored man. I believe I've seen you before. 
Didn't you use to live in Cleveland? 

Jupiter. Yes'm, I sure did. Born and bred in Cleve- 
land. 

Mrs. F. Your name is Jackson. You used to be the 
janitor in the moving picture show in Second Avenue. 

Jupiter. Lady, you certainly is a mind reader or a for- 
tune teller. I sure did. 

Mrs. F. Don't you remember me ? I used to have golden 
hair in those days. That was six years ago. I took the 
tickets. 

Jupiter. Did you? (Slozvly.) Well, I'll be dog-goned. 
Course I remembers. You was Mis' Clark. Say, what eber 
became ob your husband ? 

Mrs. F. Oh, don't ask me. He disappeared. 

Jupiter. Yes'm, I knows he did. Poor business, money 
all a goin' out and none comin' in. He ate some lobster 
salad one afternoon, an' good-night, nobody eber heard tell 
ob Mistah Clark again. 

Mrs. F. Then I moved to Dayton. 

Jupiter. And now you'e here. Well, I'll be dog-goned. 
Where's de professor? 

Mrs. F. Making a fool of himself. Say, tell me, is he 
a drinking man? 

Jupiter. No, ma'am, no ma'am. He belongs to de white 
ribboners Woman's Christmas Temperance Society. Don't 
neber touch a drop. Don't eben allow it on de premises. 
But I got a little in de kitchen dat I keeps for medicated 
purposes, an' if you wants a little — 

Mrs. F. The idea ! I never touch it. But as we were 
coming from Niagara Falls the professor had the tooth- 
ache. A traveling man gave him some medicine in the 
smoker. He said it was medicine, but I've been married 
too long to believe everything I hear. Honestly, I believe 
the professor has had a drop too much. 

Jupiter. Well, I'll be dog-goned. Ain't dat scandalous? 



12 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

Mrs. F. Show me to my room. The best in the house. 
Then come back here and remove these signs and things. 
Remember that I am mistress here, and I won't allow any 
such carrying on. Here, take these grips. Now, where's 
my room? 

Jupiter. Right in here. Dis way to de bridal chamber. 
(Exits R.) 

Mrs. F. (looks around). Oh, those students ought to be 
tarred and feathered. And the professor in such a state ! 
I never would have dreamed such a thing. (Exit R.) 

Enter Zoie from L., dodging shoes. She carries ghps, 
etc. 

Zoie. Oh, how disgusting! The professor is making a 
fool of himself in front of all the students. And I thought 
he was going to be an ideal husband. {Looks around.) Oh, 
what insolence! What insufferable insolence! I wonder 
where the servants are. Oh, I wish I were back again in 
Niagara Falls. I wish I'd never laid eyes on John B. Wise. 
(Calls.) Mamma, mamma! Where are you? 

Mrs. F. (off stage at R.). Here I am. Come in here, 
Zoie. 

Zoie. All right. Oh, mamma. I'm so disappointed, so 
terribly disappointed ! 

Mrs. F. appears at door at R., combing a hair switch. 

Mrs. F. Brides always are, my dear. But don't you 
worry. I'll tame this tartar. Just leave everything to me. 
I'm a woman of experience. 

(Cheers and noise out L.) 

Zoie. Oh, just listen. John's making a fool of himself. 

Mrs. F. What else can you expect? He's a man, and all 
men are alike. Come with me. I'll make you a cup of tea 
and v/e'll have a little lunch. And as for John, well, you 
just leave John to me. (Escorts Zoie out at R.) 

Pause. Loud applause and cheers from L. Enter Pro- 
fessor John B. Wise, loaded doivn zvith grips, umbrella, 
hat box, strapped shaivl, bird-cage, bundles, etc. He runs 
into the dangling shoes and staggers, fie is under the in- 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 13 

Huence of liquor. He gets tzmsted in dangling ribbons. 
Drops bundles, tries to recover them, falls spraivling. 
Sloivly sits up and shakes his fist at the dangling shoes. 

Wise. Shay, I wonder who threw those shoes at me? 
They seem to be floating around in the air and refuse to 
light. Oh, that was the most pecuhar toothache medicine 
I ever saw. (Slowly.) It makes me feel so funny. So 
very, very funny. And this is my wedding day. I wonder 
where my little wifie is? Oh, I guess little wifie's all right, 
•all right. Iler mother will take care of her. (Sees ladder.) 
Well, look at that. Maybe I'm in the wrong house. I never 
knew we had an upstairs in our house. I'd better go up- 
stairs and investigate. (Rises unsteadily, tries to climb 
ladder, gets feet through holes betzveen steps, etc. Finally 
falls and oz'erturns ladder.) Shay, there must have been 
an earthquake. It's very peculiar, so very, very peculiar. (On 
floor near dummy.) Shay, next time I get married I'm not 
going to allow anyone to give me any toothache meflicine. 
(Sees dummy's feet.) Someone is here. (Rises zvith diffi- 
culty, tries to act dignified.) I beg your pardon. (Pause.) 
I shay, I beg your pardon. (Pause.) Yes, it's a delightful* 
day, (Pause.) What say? .Were you looking for anyone? 
Madam, you are acting most peculiarly — most peculiarly. 
(Struggles over zvord "peculiarly.") I shall have to ask 
you to leave my house. (Staggers toivard dummy, szvays, 
loses balance and sits on dummy.) Great heavens! (Rises 
zvith difficulty.) What have I done? I beg pardon, 
madam. I humbly beg your pardon. It's an excess of 
toothache. Will you forgive me? (Pause.) Please forgive 
me. (Kneels and takes sleeve of dummy.) Great heavens, 
madam, you've forgotten to put your arm in your sleeve. 
(Waz'es sleeve in dummy's face.) Naughty, naughty lady! 
(Looks at dummy closely.) What a peculiar expression. 
(Reads sign.) "The Bride." (Faces audience and straight- 
ens up.) Not if I know myself. (Grabs dummy.) Come 
on; we'll dance a little turkey-trot. (Dummy falls to pieces.) 
Say, you are acting most peculiarly. (Kicks pieces aside.) 
It's a student joke. They have a peculiar sense of humor. 



14 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

Well, I'll g^o to my room and get a drink of water. (Starts 
'^ Enter Mrs. Ford from R. 

Mrs. F. So, there you are ! 

Wise. Yesh, little wifie, here I am. 

Mrs. F. You brute ! You beast ! 

Wise. I made a little mistake. It isn't little wifie at all. 
It's little wifie's mother. 

Mrs. F. Did you bring all the baggage? 

Wise. Yes, madam, I did. I don't think I've forgotten 
a thing. (Points to L.) There it is. 

Mrs. F. Where is Socrates? 

Wise. Socrates? What Socrates? 

Mrs. F. My Socrates. My darling little Socrates. 

Wise. Mrs. Ford, Mrs. lona Ford, I didn't know you 
had a darling little Socrates. (Shakes finger at her.) 
Madam, this is grave, very, very grave. 

Mrs. F. I mean my little dog Socrates. What have you 
done with him? 

Wise. Madam, I am not a dog trainer. Your little dog 
Socrates has escaped. 

Mrs. F. (crosses to L.). What! You've allowed my little 
pet to escape. And in a strange town. Oh, he'll be lost 
to me forever. Go out and find him. 

Enter Zoie from R. 

Wise (at C). I refuse to do anything of the sort. I'm 
going to my room. 

Zoie. John, you'd better let me call the servant and have 
him help you. Come, dear. (Takes his arm.) 

Mrs. F. (takes his L. arm). You come with me. You 
must help me find my little darling. 

Zoie (pulling Wise to R.). You must go to your room 
at once. You need a doctor. 

Mrs. F. (pulling him to L.). Nonsense. He's got to find 
Socrates. 

ZoTE. Oh, mamma, what will the students say if he goes 
out there looking like this? Come with me. {Pulls him 
to R.) 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 15 

Mrs. F. I won't allow it. Think of poor little Socrates 
all alone in a strange town. {Pulls Wise violently to L.) 

ZoiE. Mamma! {They scuffle. j^iiUing Wise first one 
tcav, then anotlier.) 

Wise. Say, what do you think I am? A wish-bone? 

Enter Jupiter from R. 

Mrs. F. Jupiter, go right out in the yard and see if you 
can find my little dog Socrate*. 

Wise. Hello, Jupiter. Here I am home again. Shay, 
Jupe, go out and buy me a bottle of champagne. Buy two 
bottles. Buy a dozen bottles. 

Jupiter. Well, Fll be dog-goned. 

Zoie. Come, John dear. You are not yourself this 
morning. {At R.) 

Mrs. F. Oh, I am so worried about my dear little doggie. 
He's all alone in a strange town. Go right away, Jupiter. 

Jupiter. Yes, ma'am, Fm on my way. 

Wise. And don't forget the champagne, Jupiter. 

Jupiter. Forget it? Say, Mistah Professor, dat's one 
thing dat Fll remember to my dying day. 

Zoie. Come, John, you'd better have a Turkish bath. 

Wise. Yes, my lamb, Fm coming. {Exit R. Tvith7.oiE.) 

Mrs. F. Have a thorough search made for Socrates at 
once. Then clean up this room. I never saw anything like 
it. Oh, would that I had never seen that horrid professor's 
face. Would that I had never seen his face. {Exits R. 
tveeping.) 

Jupiter {looks after her). Well, Fll be dog-goned. 
Here's old Mis' Clark dat I knowed up in Cleveland done 
married to de professor. An' the Lawd only knows what be- 
come ob her other husband. She fed him some lobster 
salad one afternoon and den, good-night ! Nobody eber 
heard tell ob dat man again. Mighty scandalous, mighty 
scandalous ! 

Enter Billy from L. with a dog on chain. 
Billy. Hello, Jupe. Say, did you lose a dog? 
Jupiter. Is dat dere young hippopotamus our little pet 
dog Socrates. 



16 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

Billy. This is the dog the professor was leading. 

Jupiter. Well, den he's ours. He belongs to our bride. 

Billy. They say she's a dream all right. 

Jupiter. Looks more like a nightmare to me. He mar- 
ried old Mis' Clark dat I used to know up in Cleveland. 
She brung another woman with her. Dog-goned if dis yere 
whole house ain't full ob women. 

Billy. What'll I 'do with the dog? 

Jupiter. Jest hold him, jest hold him. And hold him 
tight I don't like de way he looks at me. Seems like he's 
just yearning for a piece ob dark meat. I'll send the lady 
to you. 

Billy. No, you take him. 

Jupiter (retreating to R.). No, sah, no, sah. I got to 
carry dis step-ladder. Hold him tight. You'll git a reward. 
(Exit R. with ladder.) 

Billy. Poor old professor. He's probably married a 
woman old enough to be his mother. 

Enter Mrs. Ford from R. 

Mrs. F. Ah, my little Socrates! Come to mother, pre- 
cious ; come to mother. 

Billy. Mrs. Dean! 

Mrs. F. Billy. Blake! \Miat are you doing here? 

Billy. Fm a senior here at college. How's Zoie? 

Mrs. F. Oh, Zoie's all right. She's here with me. 

Billy. Is she? Great! I suppose you've heard about 
Uncle Andy dying and leaving me all his money ? You can't 
object to me now. I was going to drop over to Dayton and 
surprise you next week. Can I see Zoie ? 

Mrs. F. Of course. So your Uncle Andy is dead, is 
he? I'm so glad. I mean, I'm so glad he left you all his 
money. Come, Socrates, mother's precious. I'll send Zoie 
to you. Just wait here. (Exit R.) 

Billy. So Mrs. Dean has hooked onto the innocent pro- 
fessor, has she? It's too bad. Why, she's old enough to be 
his mother. I wonder whatever became of Mr. Dean. 
Queer case. Ate some lobster salad one afternoon and 
never was heard of since. Everybody in Dayton was talk- 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 17 

ing about Mrs. Dean, but Zoie was an angel, and to think 
she's here with her mother. Some girl, Zoie, some sweet 
damson plum. {Seated dozi'Ji L.) 

Enter Zoie from R. She comes behind him and puts her 
hands over his eyes. 

Zoie. Who is it? 

BiLLv. Zoie! {Rises, takes both her hands.) Zoie, my, 
but I'm glad to see you. {Starts to embrace her.) 

Zoie {dodging him). Now, Billy. I won't allow that. 

Billy. You didn't use to be so particular in Dayton. 

Zoie. But we're not in Dayton any longer. You went 
away and forgot all about me. 

Billy. I guess you know why I went away. Your 
mother thought I wasn't rich enough for her daughter. 
Then I went to see your father, but he had disappeared. 

Zoie. Yes, poor father. He was always disappearing. 

Billy. Then I saw Mrs. Dean again, but she said, "You 
get," and I got. 

Zoie. You weren't very brave, Billy. 

Billy. Who could be brave with your mother? But 
everything's all right now, Zoie. My Uncle Andy is dead 
and has left me all his fortune. 

Zoie. Oh, Billy. {Holds out her hands. He takes them.) 
You dear ! 

Billy. And you still care for me? 

Wise {outside R.). Zoie, Zoie, come here. 

Zoie {alarmed). It's the professor. I had forgotten all 
about the professor. 

Wise {outside R.). Come here and get this blamed dog. 
He's chewing a hole in my Sunday trousers. 

Zoie. Yes, John. Excuse me, Billy. Wait here a mo- 
ment ; I'll be right back.' Business before pleasure. {Exit R.) 

Billy. It's a wonder he wouldn't call his wife to wait 
on him instead of Zoie. Poor Johnny Wise. It's pretty 
tough on the professor to have married an old lady like Mrs. 
Dean. Heavens, he must have been hypnotized. 

Enter Wise from R. ivith towel bound round his head. 



18 A POOR MARRIED MAX. 

He is weak and totters slightly, but all signs of intoxication 
have vanished. 

Wise {goes to table, throws floivers from vase; drinks 
ivater from vase zcith great satisfaction.) Oh, that's just 
what I wanted. 

Billy (slaps him on back, Professor collapses.) Hello, 
prof. 

Wise. Great heavens. I thought it was my wife. 

Billy. I just dropped in to bid you welcome home. You 
and your bonnie little bride. 

Wise. Thank you, Billy. Say, she's all right, isn't she? I 
don't see how a sweet young thing like her ever married a 
slow old fogy like me. 

Billy. Sweet, young thing! She's all of that and then 
some. I used to know her in Dayton. Her name was Dean 
then. She owned a moving-picture theater. 

\\'iSE. Dean? Oh, no. Her name was Ford. I met her 
in Niagara during the holidays. Case of love at first sight. 
Met her on Friday, proposed the next Friday and married 
her today. 

Billy. And today is Friday. Friday the thirteenth. 

A\^iSE. We were married this morning. It was very ro- 
mantic. 

Billy. Her former husband used to be quite a friend of 
my uncle. 

Wise (horrified). Her /or;//rr husband? 

Billy. Sure. Adolphus Dean. He disappeared very 
mysteriously. It seems that the business was going to the 
dogs, creditors were hounding him. So one afternoon he 
disappeared. 

Wise. Surclv you are mistaken. My wife has never 
been married before. 

Billy. Oh, yes she has. I was talking to her just a 
moment ago. She has a charming daughter. One of the 
most charming girls I ever met. 

Wise. A daughter? My wife has a daughter? 

Billy. Of course, she has a daughter. Didn't you know 
it? Maybe your wife lias been i)assing her ofif as a sister. 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 19 

Wise. Oh, Billy, I am getting so confused. I'm not 
very well today. I had the toothache and a drummer gave 
me some medicine on the Pullman. I've had the queerest 
sensations ever since I took that medicine. 

Billy. Professor, I don't want to alarm you needlessly, 
but the people in Dayton had grave suspicions about your 
wife. In fact it was rumored that she did away with her 
husband. 

Wise {frightened). Did away with him? What do you 
mean? {Nervously goes to Billy and grasps his arm.) 
What do you mean — did away with him? 

Billy. Oh, nothing. She gave him some lobster salad 
one day, and no one ever heard of Adolphus Dean from 
that day to this. {Laughs.) I guess it's all a fairy tale. 
Only, if I were you I wouldn't eat any of her lobster salad. 
But her daughter is the sweetest girl — 

Wise. Say, how old is the daughter? 

Billy. I should say about twenty. 

Wise. Great heavens! How old is my wife? 

Billy. That's what many a man would like to know. 
She must be — {thinks) well, let me see — 

Wise. Yes, yes ! 

Billy. Well, if her daughter is twenty, she must be — 
{pause) she must be at least twenty-one. (College bell 
rings.) Oh, there's the bell. I've got a class in history. See 
you later, professor. I'll come back for lunch. Thank you. 
Oh, no ; I've no other engagement. You see your daughter 
has made a big hit with me. See you in about half an hour. 
(Exits L.) 

Wise. My daughter has made a big hit with him? My 
daughter? The boy must be crazy. I was only married at 
seven o'clock this morning. I haven't got a daughter. And 
then that lobster salad story. Bah ! Billy's trying to play 
one of his practical jokes on me. 

Enter Mrs. Ford from R. 

Mrs. F. Oh, there you are! 

Wise. Yes. here I am. 

Mrs. F. Professor, this will never do ; this will never 



20 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

do. You must discharge your cook at once. She doesn't 
even know how to broil a beefsteak. And I never saw 
such a kitchen. You must discharge her at once. 

Wise. But how can we eat? 

Mrs. F. Leave it to me. Tomorrow I'll get you a cook. 
This afternoon I'll give you a sample of my own culinary 
art. I have it! I'll make you a nice lobster salad? 

Wise (jumps). Lobster salad? 

Mrs. F. Yes. Aren't you fond of lobster salad? 

Wise. No, madam, I never eat lobster salad. I never 
allow a lobster salad in my house. I never taste lobster 
salad. I won't have it. You shan't do it. 

Mrs. F. Mercy! Don't get excited. I'll make the salad 
and Zoie and I will eat it. But you just wait till you taste 
it. Then you'll change your mind. One taste will be 
enough — 

Wise. I won't taste it. One taste will probably be too 
much. Oh, Mrs. Ford, Mrs. lona Ford, I never thought it 
of you. Where is my wife's other husband ? Where is he, 
I say? 

Mrs. F. (retreating before him). Your wife's other hus- 
band ? What do you mean ? 

Wise (zvalking faster toward her, she retreating around 
stage). And where is my wife's daughter? Her twenty- 
year-old daughter? 

Mrs. F. (very much alarmed). Heavens, the man is 
mad ! Zoie has married a lunatic. 

Wise. She poisoned her other husband and now you arc 
trying to poison me. 

Mrs. F. Help! Help! Murder! (Runs out R.) 

Enter Jupiter, running on from R. 

Jupiter. Yas'm, what is it? Docs you want me. Mis' 
Clark ? 

Wise. Mrs. Clark? What do you mean by Mrs. Clark? 
(To Jupiter.) Who is Mrs. Clark? 

Jupiter. Your wife is Mrs. Clark ; dat's who it is. T 
used to know her up in Cleveland. Her name was Mis' 
Clark in dose days. 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 21 

Wise. Oh, it was? Are you sure it wasn't Dean? 

Jupiter. No, sah ; it was Clark. I used to work for her 
husband. 

Wise. What! You worked for my wife's husband? In 
a moving-picture show ? 

Jupiter. Yas, sir. He disappeared one afternoon, ate 
some salad and nobody eber heard tell of Mistah Clark no 
more. 

Wise. What kind of salad? Lobster? 

Jupiter. Yas, sir. Dat's it. It all came out in de news- 
papers. 

Wise. And what became of Mrs. Dean? . 

Jupiter. T ain't know no Mis' Dean. Her name was 
Clark. I was talking to her a little while ago. Yas, sir ; her 
and her daughter, too. 

Wise. I wonder how many husbands my wife has had? 
And how many daughters? Great heavens, what am I up 
against? (Jupiter starts to door L.) Where are you 
going? 

Jupiter. Going to get dat champagne before you for- 
gets dat you ordered it. 

Wise. Very well. Bring a case. 

Jupiter. Yas, sir. I'm gone. 

Wise. And hurry. 

Jupiter. I'll go so fast dat I won't hear myself run. 
{Exit slozvly at L.) 

Wise. Fool that I was to marry a girl I had known only 
for a few weeks. Married to Dean in Dayton and to Clark 
in Cleveland. Great heavens, and she acts so young and 
innocent. I wonder what happened to Dean and Clark? 
She must be a modern Lucrezia Borgia. I'd better pack 
my grips and make a mysterious disappearance myself. 
(Starts to R.) 

Enter Zoie from R. zvith dog on chain. 

ZoiE. Oh, John, I want you to take Socrates out for his 
morning airing. Poor little, delicate doggie hasn't had a 
breath of fresh air for over an hour. 



22 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

Wise. Yes, my love. I was just thinking of that very 
thing. 

ZoiE. You know you are to take Socrates out for an 
airing every two hours. 

Wise. What ? 

ZoiE. Yes, indeed. He's such a deHcate dear, it's what 
the doctor ordered. 

Wise (takes dog and starts to L., turns). By the way, 
my dear, did you ever know a man in Dayton named 
Dean — Adolphus Dean? 

ZoiE (co)ifiised). Why — er — er— I don't think so. T 
knew so many people in Dayton, but I don't recall that 
name. 

Wise. Oh, nothing at all. Nothing of importance. 
Probably you used to know Mr. Clark of Cleveland? 

ZoiE. John, that's unkind. There are some things that 
should never be mentioned. Some things are too sad to 
recollect. Surely you won't make me sad on our wedding 
day? 

Wise. There, there, Zoie ; it was all a jest. Come, 
dear, do you know you haven't even given rtie a kiss since 
we were married. 

He starts to embrace Jier. Enter Mrs. F. from R. 

Mrs. F. Zoie, what are you doing? 

ZoiE. Why, nothing at all, mamma. 

Mrs. F. We have no time for billing and cooing. I 
never saw such a house. I have just discharged the cook. 

Wise [blustering). Discharged my cook? Madam, I 
want you to understand that I am master here. I won't 
have any interference. 

Mrs. F. Oh, hear him. Listen to the man. J<^hn Wise, 
I think you are still under the influence of that toothache 
medicine. Zoie, I fear your husband is mentally unbalanced. 

Wise. But, Mrs. Ford— 

Mrs. F. Don't argue with me. I won't have it. 

Wise (starts to speak). 

Mrs. F. Not a word. Take Socrates for a walk on the 
campus. 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 23 

Wise, Madam, I — 

ZoiE. Oh, John, don't quarrel with mamma on our wed- 
ding day. 

Wise (raises fists). Thunderation ! (Calmly.) Come, 
Socrates, we'll take a little walk down by the river and I'll 
throw you in. (Exit L.) 

Mrs. F. Zoie, that man is a lunatic. He said you had 
been married before and wanted to know where your 
daughter was. 

Zoie (alarmed). Oh, mamma! 

Mrs. F, That's what comes of marrying a man you've 
only known three weeks. 

Zoie. Now, mamma, you insisted on the wedding. It 
was all your fault. 

Mrs. F. I thought it was going to be a good match, but 
I fear I have made an awful mistake. Oh, if you had only 
married Billy Blake. His Uncle Andy has left him all his 
money. 

Zoie. Yes, I know\ But it's too late now. 

Mrs. F. Is it? Are you sure? 

Zoie. What do you mean? 

Mrs. F. Does Billy Blake still care for you ? 

Zoie (bashfully hangs head). I think he does, mamma. 

Mrs. F. And you still care for him? 

Zoie. I think I do, mamma. 

Mrs. F. And he's worth fifty thousand at least. 

Zoie. But I'm married, now. What would the professor 
say? 

Mrs. F. I tell you the professor is crazy. I am sure of 
it. Have you unpacked your things? 

Zoie, Not yet. I haven't had time. 

Mrs. F. Don't do it. Here, take down those signs and 
shoes and things. (They remove decorations zvhile talk- 
ing.) Maybe I can secure a separation. I'm sure the pro- 
fessor is mentally unsound. Just think how he acted on 
the cars. 

Zoie. He had the toothache. 

Mrs. F. I don't believe it. Zoie, you're married to a 
monomaniac. He drinks and raves about your other hus- 



24 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

bands and your daughters. We must leave this house at 
once. 

ZoiE. But I haven't had a thing to eat since breakfast. 

Mrs. F. And I've discharged the cook. I'll go to the 
kitchen and prepare a meal. You go to your room and 
pack everything you can find. 

ZoiE, But, mamma — - 

Mrs. F. Don't but me. Leave everything to me. I'm 
a woman of experience. Come. (Exits R., carrying shoes, 
signs, etc.) 

ZoiE. I don't know what to do. Oh, I wish I'd never 
left Niagara Falls. I'm perfectly miserable. (Cries.) 

Enter Billy, folloived by Rosalind from L. 

Billy. Hello, Zoie. 

ZoiE (brightening 7'isibly). Billy! 

Billy. I want you to meet Miss Wilson. She's our 
college reporter. 

Rosalind. How do you do. So glad to welcome you 
to our little college town. 

Zoie. Thank you. (Crosses to R.) I'll find mamma. 
Excuse me. (Exits R.) 

Billy. Ain't she a little cjueen? I used to know her in 
Dayton. 

Rosalind. She's a darling. It's a wonder the professor 
didn't marry her instead of the mother. 

Billy. Awful thought. He's too old for Zoie. 

Rosalind. But isn't he too young for the mother? 

BillV. Oh, I don't know. The mother is a very de- 
termined woman. And if she once sets her cap for a man. 
it's good-night nurse. I think Zoie is about the cutest thing 
I've ever met. 

Rosalind. Why, Billy, that sounds like a case. 

Enter Zoie from R. 

Zoie. Mamma will be in presently. 

Bill^'. Zoic, I want to take you for a little walk on the 
campus. \\'c'vc got some dandv views. They've got a 
Lover's Lane here that's shady for two miles. 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 25 

ZoiE. But, Billy, I can't go now. 

Rosalind. Oh, yes, you can. I'll excuse you. I really 
came to call on your mother. 

ZoiE (gets hat. etc.). All right. Mamma is coming. 

Billy. Come on. Gee, but I'm glad to see you again. 

ZoiE. Just make yourself at home, Miss Wilson. (Exit 
L. with Billy.) 

Rosalind (looks around). I see the bride has removed 
the decorations. 

Enter Mrs. Ford from R. 

Mrs. F. How do you do. 

Rosalind (in surprise). Mrs. Smith! 

Mrs. F. Miss Wilson ! I had no idea you were here at 
college. 

Rosalind. This is a surprise. When did you leave 
Springfield ? 

Mrs. F. I haven't been in Springfield for a year. I 
went to join my daughter at Niagara Falls. After the sad 
disappearance of Mr. Dean — I mean Mr. Smith — I lost all 
interest in Springfield. Zoie had a good position at Ni- 
agara Falls and so I joined her. 

Rosalind. And have you ever heard anything from 
Mr. Smith? 

Mrs. F. Not a word. Since that fatal afternoon at the 
picture theater, I have never laid eyes on my husband. 
Poor, poor Socrates. He wasn't an ideal man, Miss Wil- 
son, but he had his good points. He never drank a drop. 

Rosalind. I got quite a story from his disappearance. 
I was a reporter on the Sun, you know. Of course, that 
lobster salad theory was all rubbish. 

Mrs. F. Oh, I didn't mind. It was a good advertise- 
ment for the theater. Folks thought I poisoned Mr. Smith 
(Laughs.) Perfectly absurd, wasn't it? 

Rosalind (laughs). Perfectly ridiculous. 

Mrs. F. But for two months after he disappeared busi- 
ness was great. We had a packed house at every per 
formance. 

Rosalind. Yes, I'm sure vou did. 



26 A rOOR MARRII'.D MAX. 

Mrs. F. And to think of meeting you here. (Sniffs.) 
What is that? 

Rosalind. It smells like something hurning. 

Mrs. F. Heavens ! 1 left two pies in the oven. I dis- 
charged the cook this morning. Excuse me. (Runs out R.) 

Rosalind. So Professor Wise has married the widow 
of the mysterious Mr. Smith. How absurd. 

Enter Wise from L. 

W' ISE. I took little Socrates out on the pier and dropped 
him in the lake. It's good night, little Socrates. 

Rosalind. Good morning. 

Wise. Why, Miss Wilson, how do you do. 

Rosalind. I just called to get a little story for the 
paper. It turned out that your wife and I were old ac- 
quaintances. 

Wise. Indeed? 

Rosalind. Yes, I used to know her in Springfield. She 
was a Mrs. Smith. 

Wise (jumps up). Smith? Did you say Smith? 

Rosalind. Yes, she and Mr. Smith ran a moving-picture 
show. 

Wise. Wasn't the name Clark? Or Dean? 

Rosalind. Oh, no. It w^as Smith. 

Wise (timidly). And what became of Mr. Smith? 

Rosalind (hesitates). Why — cr — he went away. 

Wise. Disappeared mysteriously? 

Rosalind. I believe he did. 

Wise. After eating a dinner? 

Rosalind. That was the report. But of course there 
was nothing in it. 

Wise. I'm not so sure. Let me see. It was chicken 
salad they had. wasn't it? 

Rosalind. No, lobster. 

Wise (^vildly). Help! Help! I knew it; I knew it! 

Rosalind (alarmed). What is it? What has happened? 
You are ill. 

Wise. Oh, no. Nothing at all. I never was better in 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 27 

my life. Just a little excited ; that's all. I'm always ex- 
cited on my wedding day. 

Rosalind. You'd better see the doctor. Well, I must be 
goin^^. 

Wise (grasps her ivrist). Don't go yet. Tell me more 
about Mr. Clark. 

Rosalind. Clark? 

Wise. No, I mean Dean — I mean Ford — I mean Smith. 
I don't know what I do mean. 

Rosalind (edges tozvard door L., z-ery iiiiich alarmed). 
Oh, professor, you are acting so strangely. 

Wise. Don't leave me liere. I don't want to be mur- 
dered. Send for the police. Get a detective. Don't leave 
me. 

Rosalind. Great heavens! (Exit L.) 

Wise. I can see my finish. I'll telephone to the police 
station. I have married a hinnan man-eater. She has been 
married to every name in the telephone book. (Sinks in 
chair at L.) And I thought this was going to be the hap- 
piest day in my life. 

Enter Mrs. Ford from R. 

Mrs. F. (looks around). Why, where is Miss Wilson? 

Wise. Gone. She has been telling me some of the 
family secrets. 

Mrs. F. Indeed? Well, she had little to do. 

Wise. She added another to my wife's long list of hus- 
bands. 

Mrs. F. Perfectly absurd. Why, she never knew your 
wife. Zoie was in Niagara when I was in Springfield. But 
where is Socrates? 

Wise. I think Socrates is having a visit with the mer- 
maids. 

Mrs. F. My darling doggie ! What has become of him ? 

Wise. He fell off the pier into the lake. 

Mrs. F. Why didn't you jump in after him? 

Wise. Not me. I can't swim. 

Mrs. F. (tearfidly). Neither can Socrates. 

Wise. Thank heavens! 



28 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

Mrs. F. -Oh, you brute. I believe you drowned him on 
purpose. I wish I had never laid eyes on you. 

Wise. And so do I. 

Mrs. F. It was a sorry day when Zoie saw you. 

Wise. Yes ; a sorry day for me. 

Mrs. F. Oh, listen to him. We'll leave your house. 
We'll get a divorce. 

Wise. Go as far as you like. Then she can go back to 
one of her other husbands. And her daughter. Billy Blake 
says she has a daughter. 

Mrs. F. Oh, I'll not listen to you! (Crosses to door at 
R.) I'll pack my things and take the first train for Reno. 
Oh you villain ; you dense, deep, double-dyed villain. 
(Exit R.) 

Wise. Well, I hope I can get rid of her as easy as I 
did the dog. Maybe I could drop her off the pier. 

Enter Jupiter from L., earry'mg basket and leading wet 
dog. 

Jupiter. Here he is, boss. Here's your little dog. I 
found him. 

Wise What? And the dog came back. 

Jupiter. Ain't you goin' to give me a reward? 

Wise. I'd like to break your head. 

Jupiter. Well, I'll be dog-goned. 

Wise. I have it. Take little Socrates out and tie him 
to that tree in the front yard and then get me my gun. 

Jupiter. But, say, boss, old Mis' Clark jest naturally 
analyses dis yere dog. He was named after your wife's 
first husband. 

Wise. He was? That settles .Socrates' hash. Fido, 
you're going to be a hot dog soon. Do as I told you. 

Jupiter (sets basket do7vij). Yes, sir. Here's de cham- 
pagne, boss. 

Wise. Never mind that. Tie the dog to the tree. 

Jupiter. Yes, sah. I'se a goin'. 

Wise. Well, hurry up. Get out. 

Jupiter. Yes, sah. (Exit L. with dog.) 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 29 

Wise (takes bottle of champagne from basket). Ah, ha! 
That looks good. I have often heard about champagne, . 
but now I mean to taste it for the first time in my life. 

Enter Jupiter from L. 

Jupiter. I got him tied. 
Wise. Now get the gun. It's in the attic. 
Jupiter. Well, I'll be dog-goned. {Exit R.) 
Wise. I need a little stimulant to steady my nerves. 
(With bottle.) I wonder how you open it. 

Enter Jupiter fro)n R. 7^'ith gun. 

Jupiter. Here she is, boss. (Gives gun to Wise.) 

Wise. Now you open this bottle of champagne. 

Jupiter. Is we going to hab some champagne? Well, 
I'll be dog-goned. 

Wise (at zvindotv, levels gun out of xvindoiv). Now, 
good night, Socrates. (Fires gun, yelps of a dog heard 
outside L.) 

Enter Mrs. Ford xvith picture in frame. Jupiter opens 
bottle with loud report. It fiz.zcs over everything. He puts 
hand over it and tries to stop it, then falls on floor at L., 
trying to stop fi.':zing. Finally puts bottle to mouth and 
drinks it. 

Mrs. F. (as she enters, screams). Oh. you've killed my 
doggie! (Slaps picture over Wise's head, the frame hangs 
about his neck. Mrs. Ford faints down R. with a loud 
scream.) 

Enter Billy and Zoie from L. leading dog. 

Billy. It never touched him. (Hands dog to Wise.) 

Tableau and Quick Curtain. 

Second Curtain. All hold same position. 
Third Curtain. All bozv to audience and to each other. 
Fourth Curtain. Wise discovered alone with dog, 
pummeling him,. 



30 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 



Act II. 

Scene: Same as Act I. Professor Wise discovered 
seated doivn L. zvith his head buried in his arms on table. 
Tivo glasses of champagne on tabic. 

Music, "A Hot Time in the Old Tozvn Tonight," or simi- 
lar lively air to take up the curtain. 

Lights on full throughout the act. 

Enter Billy from L., foUoived by Zoie. 

Billy. Here's the professor now. 

Wise. Ah, Billy, is that you? So you have become ac- 
quainted with Zoie? 

Billy. Oh, yes ; I've known Zoie for years. 

Zoie. Yes, we're old friends, John. Billy is going to 
stay for lunch. 

Wise. Of course. I'm glad you've met an old friend. 
{To Billy.) You knew Clark, too, didn't you? Or was 
it Dean ? 

Billy. Of course. Poor Mr. Dean ! 

Zoie. Now, Billy, you promised me you wouldn't re- 
call those painful scenes. John, don't you worry about it. 
ril explain everything to you sometime. 

Wise. Yes, you will! 

Zoie. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll help mamma in the 
kitchen. She has discharged the cook. John will entertain 
you, Billy. {Exit R.) 

Wise. How long have you known my wife? 

Billy. Oh, for about four years. Say, professor, how 
would you like to have me for a son-in-law? 

Wise. A son-in-law? What are you talking about? 

Billy. Well, if I married your daughter I'd be your 
son-in-law, wouldn't I ? 

Wise. But I haven't got a daughter. I was only mar- 
ried at 7 o'clock this morning. 

Billy. I mean your wife's daughter. I want to marry 
your wife's daughter. 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 31 

Wise. Zoie hasn't got a daughter. What are you talk- 
ing about? 

Billy. I mean Zoie. I want to marry Zoie. You 
haven't any objections, have you? 

Wise. Have I ? Well, yes, I rather think I have. This 
isn't Salt Lake, you know. Zoie can't have two husbands. 

Billy. Two husbands? Why, she isn't married, is she? 

Wise. Yes, I rather think she is. In fact, I'm sure 
of it. 

Billy (hotly). Show me the villain who has dared to 
take my Zoie away from me. Where is he? That's all 
I want to know. Where is he? I'll rend him limb from 
limb. 

Wise. Now, don't do that, Billy. He mightn't like it. 
Besides, he is a friend of yours. 

Billy. A friend of mine? Who is it? 

Wise. Keep calm, Billy. Don't get excited. Zoie's 
husband is here — here in this house. 

Billy. Where is he? Just let me at him — that's all. 

Wise. Well, in fact — er — that is, I married Zoie this 
morning. 

Billy. You ? You Mormon ! Did you marry Zoie and 
her mother both at the same time ? 

Wise. Not that I was aware of. I married Zoie. Her 
mother is simply our chaperone. 
. Billy. You ! 

Wise. Certainly. 

Billy. But I have loved Zoie for years and years. 

Wise. You should have proposed to her, then. 

Billy. I never got a chance. The old woman wouldn't 
stand for me. And to think she is married to you. (Shakes 
hands sadly.) Well, it's tough, old man; it's tough. 

Wise. Yes, I'm beginning to think it is. 

Billy. I suppose I'll go to the dogs now, or jump off 
the pier. 

Wise. Yes, that's where Socrates went. 

Billy. All my dream of happiness is over. 

Wise. Wait a minute. I have a remedy. 

Billy. What is it? 



32 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

Wise. The very thing. You must get married, too. 

Billy. To Zoie. 

Wise. No. To someone else. There was a charming 
young girl came up on the train with us this morning. A 
perfect little beauty. She was with an elderly gentleman, 
probably her father. And she had the sweetest, shy little 
way with her. I suppose she is a new student. 

Billy. No, professor. No one else can fill Zoie's place. 
{Takes his hand.) I am going away from here — far, far 
away from these painful memories ; but I would like to 
ask one last favor of you. I would like to have something 
of Zoie's for a souvenir — something that she loved — some- 
thing — 

Wise (suddenly). I have it. Take her mother. 

Billy. Oh, I couldn't deprive you of your chaperone. 
But I must go. 

Wise. Aren't you going to stay for lunch ? 

Billy. No, it would be too painful. Farewell, pro- 
fessor. You have won a lucky prize. Farewell, forever. 
(Exits L.) 

Wise. What a horrible flirt my wife must be. Not con- 
tent with having three or four husbands in different parts 
of the world, but she must break the heart of Billy Blake. 
Oh, why did I ever take it into my head to visit Niagara 
Falls? I'd give every cent I possess to be a bachelpr again. 

E7iter Doctor Graham from L., followed by JT'Ne. Tlir 
Doctor is a gentle mannered, kindly man of fifty-four ami 
June is a timid ingenue with downcast eyes and sini/'lr, 
quiet manner. 

Graham. I beg your pardon, sir, but I was told that I 
would find Professor Wise here. 

Wise (at R., comes forward with outstretched hand). 
I am Professor Wise. 

Graham. My name is Graham. Doctor Matthew Gra- 
ham. This is my only child. Her name is June. 

Wise (bows delightedly). How do you do. 

June (nods bashfully, standing at L.). 

Wise. I l^elieve I saw you in the coach this morning. 



A POOR MARRIED MAX. 33 

We came up on the same train. {Shakes hands with 
Graham luarmly, looking at June.) 

Graham (steps so that Wise cannot see June, but she 
leans to one side and he to other, looking at each other. 
\yiSE crosses to her and shakes her liand zvarndy.) Hem! 
{Clears throat.) My daughter is going- to enter college. 
{Crosses to R.) 

Wise. Delighted, I'm sure. Glad to welcome you to 
college. 

June {tvith dozvncast eyes). Thank you, sir. You are 
very kind. 

Wise {to audience). She is simply irresistible. {To 
Graham.) I beg your pardon, but may I ask you a ques- 
tion ? 

Graham {rather surprised). Certainly. 

Wise. Your only child I believe you said? 

Graham. Yes, June is all I have left to me now. 

Wise. Single ? 

Graham. Quite. I mean, yes, she is single. 

Wise. Would you have any objections to her receiving 
the attentions of a very desirable young man? 

Graham. Not at all. It is the dearest wish of my heart 
to see June happily married. 

Wise. Her name is June? 

Graham. Yes. June Graham. 

Wise. June Graham, the essence of poetry. 

Graham. We are rather old-fashioned, June and I, and 
I have rather a poor country practice. But I love it and 
have no other ambition than to love and serve my people. 
But I have a great ambition for June. I want her to have 
advantages that I fear I shall never be able to give her. 
She would make an excellent wife. She is kind, affec- 
tionate and very modest. 

June. Oh, father! 

Graham. In short, I think she would just suit you. 

Wise. Suit me? Yes, I'm sure she would. But I'm not 
the party. You see I am married already. It was for a 
young friend of mine I am inquiring. He has a broken 
heart. 



34 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

June {sympathetically). Oh! 

Graham. Not you? I am sorry. 

Wise. Yes, so am I. Say, why didn't you come to town 
last month ? 

Graham. The college wasn't open then. I merely 
stopped in to ask you when you would be in your office? 

Wise. Tomorrow at eight. I hope I'll see you again. 

June. Oh, I hope so ! 

Graham. We'd better go, dear. 

Wise. Wait. Let me get you some flowers before 
you go. 

Graham. No, thank you. It would be too much 
trouble. Come, June. 

June {zvho has been staring at Wise, startled). Yes, 
father. 

Graham. Good day, professor. 

Wise. Good day, sir. 

June. Good bye. I hope I'll be in your classes. 

Wise. So do I. Tomorrow at eight. Good bye. 

Graham. Come, June. (At door L.) Good bye. 
{Exit with June at L.) 

Wise. What a charming girl. Oh. if I had only met 
her yesterday. When she said "Good bye" it was like the 
note of a wild bird in a cherry tree. June — June Graham. 
(Long sigh.) But it's too late now; it's too late now. 

Enter Mrs. Ford from R. 

Mrs. F. At last the poor darling is asleep. 

Wise. Who? Zoie? What's she asleep for? 

Mrs. F. I was referring to Socrates, my darling doggie. 
I gave him a mustard bath, wrapped him up in your dress- 
ing gown and put him to sleep in your bed. 

Wise. What! Madam, I object. Why, I'll be full of 
fleas. 

Mrs. F. After the way you have treated him nothing 
is too bad for you. 

Wise. I want you to distinctly understand that I am 
going to be the master, of my own house. 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 35 

Mrs. F. Your house? Bah! Nothing is yours now. 
You forget you are a married man. 

Wise. No, you never let me forget that. Ah, would 
I had never seen Niagara Falls. 

Mrs. F. You brute. And my daughter Zoie could have 
had her pick of a dozen men. 

Wise. I think she did. 

Mrs. F. Billy Blake is head over heels in love with her. 
And he is worth fifty thousand dollars. 

Wise. It's a pity she didn't meet him before. 

Mrs. F. Perhaps it is not too late yet. (Crosses to 
door at R.) Perhaps it is not too late yet. (Exit R.) 

Wise (at C). I wonder if she intends to murder me. 
(Takes glass of champagne from table, drinks.) Three 
husbands and each one disappeared mysteriously. And 
now the old woman says perhaps it is not too late yet. 
Great heavens! Fm beginning to see my finish. (Pours 
another glass and drinks.) Lobster salad! One reads about 
horrible things like that in the detective stories. 

Enter Zoie wearing neat cooking apron and cap. 

Zoie. Where's Billy? 

Wise. He's gone. Couldn't stay for lunch. Had a 
most pressing engagement. 

Zoie. Oh, I'm so sorry. Billy and I used to be real 
old-time friends. 

Wise. Yes, he told me. 

Zoie. Well, we'll just have a little picked-up lunch, then. 
If Billy isn't going to be here, we'll just have some lobster 
salad. I simply adore lobster salad. Don't you? 

Wise. INIe? I don't know. (Pleadingly.) Oh, Zoie. 
dear Zoie, don't let us have any lobster salad today. I'm 
so young, and we were only married this morning. 

Zoie. Why, what are you talking about? I'm going to 
the kitchen. John. I want to put the finishing stroke to 
the salad myself. 

Wise (horrified). The finishing stroke? Good night, 
John. (Drinks.) 



36 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

ZoiE. I'll show you what kind of a cook I am. 
(Exit R.) 

Wise. Horrible, horrible. I'd better take a walk in the 
air. My nerves are all unstrung. (Exit L.) 

Wise itniucdiatcly re-enters, takes bottle from table and 
exits L. Enter Mrs. Ford and Zoie from R. 

Mrs. F. (removing things from table, putting them on 
floor, etc.) He certainly is acting most peculiarly. Hon- 
estly, Zoie, I believe he is a little crazy. He says such 
queer things. He says you have a daughter. 

Zoie. I fear we have made an awful mistake, mamma. 
(Puts ivliite cloth on table.) 

Mrs. F. And my lawyer has made inquiries and Profes- 
sor Wise is not a wealthy man at all. Oh, why didn't you 
accept Billy Blake? 

Zoie (arranging plates, etc., on table). Because you 
wouldn't let me. 

Mrs. F. I have a plan. WtW run away from this pov- 
erty stricken professor. We'll go to Reno. You can se- 
cure a divorce in three weeks. 

Zoie. But what would Billy say? 

Mrs. F. He'll marry you the moment you are free. 
And just think of all his Uncle Andy's money. 

Zoie (arranging table). I don't care a straw about 
Uncle Andy's money, but I do like Billy. 

Mrs. F. (calling off R.). Jupiter! Jupiter! 

Jupiter (off R.). Yas'm. I'm coming. 

Mrs. F. Bring the salad. 

Enter Jupiter with salad dish, spoon, etc. 

Zoie. Here, put it down here. (.9//^ is cutting bread 
in 7'ery thick slices.) 

Mrs. F. Now open a bottle of champagne. 

luPiTER. Champagne? \\'cll, I'll be dog-goned. (Opens 
bottle.) 

Zoie. But where is John? T thought he was here. 
Jupiter, where is the professor? 

Jupiter. He's out" in de front yard taking a walk 
around the corner. 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 37 

Mrs. F. Well, don't stand there like a stick. Call him 
in. 

Jupiter. Yas'ni, dat's jes' what I was going to do. 
(Exit L.) 

Mrs. F. I am sure you would never be contented here 
in this little place, Zoie. You never were cut out for a 
professor's wife any more than I was. I always liked to 
travel from place to place. 

ZoiE. Just like my poor father. 

Mrs. F. Yes, poor, poor Socrates, I wonder where you 
are today. 

Zoie. Where was he when you last heard from him, 
mamma ? 

Mrs. F. He ran away from me — for the eighteenth 
time. He was taking a ship to China. And the ship (sob) 
— the ship (sob) went to the bottom. And poor Socrates 
always was such a poor sailor ; he couldn't swim a stroke. 

Enter Billy from L. 

Billy. Fve come back. 

Zoie. So glad, Billy. The professor said you had an 
engagement. 

Billy. Stand back ! Don't api)roach me. Oh, Zoie, my 
heart is broken. 

Mrs. F. Excuse me, children. Fm getting dinner. 
(Exit R.) 

Zoie. Who broke your heart? 

Billy. You did. I have just learned that you are 
the wife of another. 

Zoie. But you never asked me. You went away — you 
didn't write — 

Billy. And now it is too late. 

Zoie. Yes, I was married this morning. 

Billy. I am going away. To the wilds of Arizona. 
Fm going to be a cowboy. Perhaps out there surrounded 
by Indians and fleas I may forget you. 

Zoie. And do you want to forget me? 

Billy. It's all for the best. You are now Mrs. Wise. 



38 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

ZoiE. But only for the time being. I'm going to run 
away. 

Billy, Run away ! With whom ? 

ZoiE. With mamma. 

Billy. Good night ! 

ZoiE. We're going to Reno. The train leaves in half 
an hour. Please get me an expressman to take my trunks. 

Billy. You really mean it? 

ZoiE. Yes. I never could be happy with the professor. 
In our case marriage has been a failure. 

Billy. And then I may hope? 

ZoiE. Well, not for three weeks. 

Billy. Zoie! (Tries to embrace her.) 

ZoiE (struggling). Not for three weeks. 

Enter Wise from L. 

Wise. Zoie! What's this? 

Zoie. Nothing. That is, it's only Billy. 

Billy. Yes, it's only Billy. You mustn't mind a little 
thing like this, professor. 

Wise. Out of my house. (Turns to Zoie.) As for 
you, madam — 

Zoie. Don't talk to me like that. You are not my 
master. 

Wise. I'm your husband. 

Zoie. Only for the time being. 

Billy. I'll be back in twenty minutes. Till then 
(blozvs kiss to Zoie), adieu! (Exit L.) 

Wise. Your husband for the time being. You mean 
that you are going to get rid of me? 

Zoie. Don't get so excited. Sit down and have some 
salad. 

Wise. Lobster salad ! That's the last straw. 

Enter Mrs. Ford from R. and Jupiter from L. 

Mrs. F. (sits at tabic facing audience). Sit down. 
We'll have a nice little lunch. 

Zoie (sitting R. of table). Yes, for goodness sakes don't 
get excited. 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 39 

Wise (sits at L. of table facing Zoie). Jupe, pour me 
out some wine. I need a little stimulant. 

Jupiter. Some wine? Well, I'll be dog-goned. {IVaits 
on table.) 

Zoie. You must be hungry, John. Mamma, give him 
a large portion of salad. 

Wise. Not me. I can't eat a bite. 

Zoie. But you must eat some salad. I made it ex- 
pressly for you. (Hands him a plate.) This will put an 
end to all your troubles. 

Wise. Yes. This will put an end to me. too. (To 
Jupiter.) Take it away. (Hands plate to Jupiter, who 
puts it aside and eats salad from plate.) 

Jupiter. Yas, sir. (Eats rapidly.) 

Wise (takes empty plate and pretends to eat, takes large 
<!poonfiils of nothing.) Aren't we having a pleasant wed- 
ding day? 

Jupiter (choking over the salad). Help, gimme some 
wine. Dis svufif is full of pepper. 

Wise (runs to him). Oh, Jupiter, what have you done? 

Jupiter. Nothing, boss; jes' took a taste ob de eatings. 

Wise. Great heavens ! 

Zoie. Sit down, John. (He does so.) You're not eat- 
ing a thing. 

Wise. Oh, yes I am. I'm getting on famously. 

Mrs. F. Have some more salad. 

Wise (jumps up neri'OHsl\). Never! You assassin! 

IvIrs. F. (rising). What's that? 

Wise. You — you — (chokes). 

Mrs. F. He's choking. Quick, Zoie, pat him on the 
back. CZoie with carving knife in hand approaches Wise.) 

Wise. Don't do it ! Get away ! I'll let you get a divorce. 
I'll give you all my money. Help, Jupiter, help ! 

Mrs. F. The man is crazy. We'll all be murdered. 

Wise. I swallowed some bones. They went down the 
wrong way. 

Zoie (gets glass of wine). Here, drink this. 

Wise (dashes glass dozvn). Never! That's poisoned 
too. You're all trying to murder me. 



40 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

Mrs. F. (runs to R.). I'll telephone the doctor. He's 
suddenly gone crazy. This day has been too much for him. 

ZoiE (zi'itli her). Oh, mamma, I'm afraid. 

Mrs. F. Come with me. 

Wise (starts toward them. Ladies scream and run 
out R.). 

Jupiter (busily eating salad and drinking zvine). Well, 
I'll be dog-goned. 

Wise (runs to him). Stop, Jupiter. Don't eat it; don't 
eat it. 

Jupiter. Why not? 

Wise. Don't you feel a kind of a — a kind of a — (rnhs 
stomach). 

Jupiter. Yas, sah. Dat's jest de way I do feel. . 

Wise. Do you feel an internal conflagration? 

Jupiter (hands on stomach). Yas, sah; dat's jes' de 
way it feels. (Cries.) I thought it was pepper. 

Wise. Pepper ? It's poison ! 

Jupiter. Poison? 

Wise. You're a dead man. 

Jupiter. Good Lawsy, massy me ! Is I poisoned sure 
enough? Oh, de pains; de pains! Where's de doctor? Oh, 
Fse a dead nigger! I'se a gone coon! 

Wise. Quick! There is just one hope for your life. 
Run, run ! 

Jupiter. Where's I goin' to run to? 

Wise. Run to the drug store. Get an antidote. 

Jupiter. Yas, sah. Get a nanny-goat! (Veils.) 
Gimme a nanny-goat; gimme a nanny-goat! (E.rit L. 
running.) 

Enter Zoie and Mrs. Ford ivith hats and wraf^s. 

Mrs. F. Come, Zoie. Hurry. 

Wise. Where are you going? 

Mrs. F. Going? We are going to leave this house for- 
ever. 

Wise. That suits me. Get out. 

ZoiE.^ Oh, John, I never dreamed that you were a lu- 
natic. 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 41 

Wise. And I never dreamed that you were an assassin. 

ZoiE (retreats to Mrs. F.). Oh, mamma! 

Wise. But you didn't kill me. I'm still alive. 

ZoiE (clinging to Mrs. F.). Oh, he's worse than ever. 

Wise. You tried to serve me the way you did all your 
other husbands. 

ZoiE. My other husbands? Oh, mamma! 

Wise. Yes, Clark, Smith and Dean. I know all about 
it. Clark in Cleveland, Smith in Springfield and Dean in 
Dayton. Each one ate some salad and then they disap- 
peared. r)h, I had a lucky escape. 

Mrs. F. Some one has been telling you about me. I 
was Mrs. Clark in Cleveland, I was Mrs. Dean in Dayton, 
and I was Mrs. Smith in Springfield. 

Wise. And did you ])oison all three? 

Mrs. F. Poison? (Laughs.) I guess not. In the first 
place it was all one man. It was all Socrates Ford. 

Wise. Who is he? 

Mrs. F. My husband. • 

Wise. Which husband? 

Mrs. F. Poor Socrates. When business was bad, he'd 
disappear and start again in another town, and he always 
took another name. It helped our business. 

Wise. And you didn't poison them? 

Mrs. F. Of course not. That was merely an adver- 
tisement' for our picture show. 

Wise (holds out arms). Zoie, I forgive you. 

Mrs. F. Stop! We're on our way to Reno. We're 
going to get a divorce. 

Wise. But that is my grip you have. Give me my griii. 

Mrs. F. Go to your room, Zoie, and gather up every- 
thing you can find. The train leaves in ten minutes. 

Wise (trying to take grip from Mrs. F.). That belongs 
to me. 

Mrs. F. Hurry, Zoie. 

Zoie. Yes, mamma. (Exit R.) 

Mrs. F. (retains hold on grip, so does Wise). That's 
mine. (The grip opens, shirts, socks, etc., fall out. IVhite 
crash trousers fall out.) 



42 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 



Wise (grasping one leg of trousers). You shan't take 
my thing's. 

Mrs. F. {faking ofJier leg). Everything belongs to your 
wife. (Struggle.) 

Enter Zoie zvith dog and grips. 

ZoiE. I have everything, mamma. (Crosses to L.) 
Mrs. F. (struggling at L. zvith Wise). Oh, you brute. 

You shall pay dearly for this. (Trousers tear. Mrs. F. 

falls tozvard C, Wise falls toward R.) 

Enter Jupiter, zvhooping, from L. 

Jupiter (staggers dozvn L. C). I couldn't get no nanny- 
goat, but I got some old crow, and I don't care if I am 
poisoned. (Yells.) 

Zoie. Hurry, mamma, we'll miss the train. I want this, 
and this, and this. (Takiiii^ bric-a-brac.) 

Mrs. F. Take your property. (Raises grip and shoiv- 
ers Wise with shirts, socks, etc.) 

Enter Billy from L. with wheelbarrow. 

Billy. Where's your trunk? (Wheels barrozv under 
Jupiter, zvho falls in it.) 

Mrs. F. Heavens! I hear the train. Hurry! (Mrs. F. 
and Zoie run out L., dropping things.) 

Quick Action and Quick Curtain. 



i 



A POOR MARRIED ]\IAN. 43 



Act III. 

Same as Acts I and II, but tzvo years later. The heavy 
furniture of the former acts has been replaced by dainty 
zvhite or wicker furniture. The arrangement of everything 
is different. Several bozvls of pink roses dress the stage, 
also potted plants, flowers and palms. A bird in a cage 
hangs in zvindow (not essential): White ruffled curtains 
at zvindoxv (if there is a zvindozv used). Table dozvn R. is 
daintily laid for breakfast with zvhite cloth, pink roses, 
toast rack and all the appointments of a dainty breakfast 
for tzvo. Dainty crib or cradle dozvn L. containing doll in 
cap and long clothes. Crib trimmed in pink ribbons. Lozv 
easy rocking chair at C. Ez'er\thing neat and homelike. 

Lights on full throughout the act. 

Professor Wise and June discovered seated at table. 
She zvears a dainty house dress and morning cap of pink. 
He sits at L. of table, his L. profile tozvard audience. She 
sits at R. of table facing him. Jupiter discovered seated 
dozvn L. rocking the cradle or crib and singing. 

Before the curtain rises the orchestra plays "Home, 
Szveet Home" chorus, slozvly and zvith feeling. Slozv cur- 
tain. Music stops. 

Jupiter (singing softly as he rocks cradle). '"Rock-a-by. 
baby, on the tree top, when the wind blows the cradle will 
rock, when the bough breaks the cradle will fall, down will 
come baby, cradle and all." (Leans over crib.) Cootchie, 
cootchie, cootchie. 

June (zvith coffee cup in her hand). Is he awake, 
Jupiter? 

Jupiter. No'm, he ain't exactly awake ; he's jest kind 
o' gruntin' in his sleep. (Looks at crib admiringly.) Jes' 
look at dat child. Well.. I'll be dog-goned. 

June (rises and comes to C). Do you think you can 
carry him to the nurse without waking him? 

Jupiter. Yas'm, I knows I kin. 



44 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

June (raises doll carefully, her back to audience). Hold 
your arms. 

Jupiter (Jiolds anus). Yas'm, dat's de time. (As she 
puts doll on Iiis arms.) Well, I'll be dog-goned. 

Wise. Carefully, now, Jupe. 

Jupiter. Yas, sir. Jest like stepping in a hen roost at 
two o'clock in de morning. (Crosses to door R.. looks at 
baby, pauses.) Well, I'll be dog-goned. (E.x'it R.) 

June. Now,' big man-, I'm going to take you for a little 
spin in our new car. (Sits on the arm of his chair.) 

Wise. All right. Bright Eyes. I could refuse you noth- 
ing today. 

June (Jier arm over back of Jiis chair). You never 
refuse me anything. 

Wise. And are you happy, dear? With a poor old fogy 
like me? 

June. I'm the happiest girl in all America. I wouldn't 
change places with a queen on a golden throne. But don't 
you ever think of your first wife? 

Wise. Never. 

June. Or her mother? 

Wise. Don't mention that woman's name to me. I hope 
she has joined her former husband. 

June. Were you happy with her? 

Wise. I should say not. She was only here one day 
and that was the most miserable day of my whole ex- 
istence. 

June. Why did you two disagree? 

Wise. Too much mother-in-law. Mrs. Ford was con- 
tinually coming between us. Thank heavens, your father 
is a widower. 

June. Oh, John, that's unkind. 

Wise. And here we are as snug as a couple of bugs in 
a rug, far from the worries of the world. A little home, 
a little money, a few books, a few friends, and you ! "Ah, 
Wilderness were Paradise enow !"■ 

June. Was your first wife pretty? 

Wise. Very. 

June (pouts). And I'm not, I suppose? 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 45 

Wise. She couldn't hold a candle to you. You are 
beautiful. 

June. Was she fair? 

Wise. No, dark. 

June. Tall ? 

Wise. Yes, six foot twelve. 

June (rises). Oh, now you're making fun of me. But, 
come. Let's hitch up the motor car. The woods are call- 
ing us. I'll be your little chaufifeur. (Rtuis to door R.) 
. Coming ? 

Enter Jupiter from R. 

Jupiter. 'Scuse me, ma'am ; 'scuse me. Here's some 
letters dat jest arrived. I thought dey might be important 
so I had de consumption to deliver dem immediately. 
(Hands June tzvo letters.) 

June. Oh, this is papa's writing. 

Wise. That will do, Jupe. 

Jupiter. Yas, sir. I was jest a goin'. (Exit R.) 

June (down L.). I w-onder what father has to say. 
This one is for vou. (Hands letter to Wise.) 

Wise (at R.'C). From Billy Blake. {Opens letter.) 

June (reading her letter). Oh, John, father is coming 
in on the morning train. 

Wise. And Billy Blake is coming in a motor car. We'll 
have a house full of guests. 

June. Who is Billy Blake? 

Wise. Oh, he's an old friend of my wife's. I mean, 
my first wife's. 

June. Oh ! 

Wise. He's been down in Arizona for two years on a 
ranch. He's very wealthy and quite a fine young fellow. 

June. We'll put him in the south room. And father 
in the front room. 

Wise. How is father? 

June. He says he never was better in his life. He 
says that two weeks at Niagara has made a new man of 
him. 

Wise. That's what it once did for me. 



46 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

June (looks at zvatch or clock). It's nearly time for 
the train. Come, we'll drive over and meet him. 

Wise (rises). Wait till I get my hat. 

June. Hurry up. (Runs to door at R.) I say, Johnny. 
(hi olds up her face to he kissed. Wise runs tozvard her. 
She throzvs curtains between them and exits R. laughing.) 

Wise. You little witch. (Exit R.) 

Graham sticks his head in at L. cautiously. 

Graham. There doesn't seem to be anybody about.. 
{Enters from L.) I wonder where my children are, and 
I wonder what they will say when they learn what I have 
done. Before John married June he took particular pains 
to ascertain the fact that he would have no mother-in-law. 
What will he say when he learns that I have just made him 
a present of one? 

Enter June, followed by Wise from R. 

June. Why, here is papa. (Runs to him and kisses 
him.) 

Graham (z'ery nervous). How are you, my children? 

Wise (shaking his hand). Mighty glad to see you again, 
Doctor. 

June. How is it you never answered our letters? 

Graham. \Ye\\, I always was a poor letter writer, and 
then I have been busy, very, very busy. You know how 
much I love both of you — 

June. Of course. But why did you stay so long at 
Niagara Falls? 

Graham. Oh, it was the scenery. The Maid of the 
Mist, the falls, the rapids, the whirlpools, the spray. But, 
my children, now you know that I love both of you — 

June. You must have left Niagara on the morning 
train. 

Graham. Yes, we got in here about ten o'clock. 

June and Wise. We? We! 

Wise. Then you didn't come alone? 

Graham. Yes — no that is — well, I er — 

Wise. Now what's the answer? 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 47 

Graham. I meant that there was quite a party of us 
all traveling the same way. So although I had company I 
was alone. But, June dear, and John dear, you know how 
dearly I love both of you. 

June. Of course we know. And it's so pleasant to 
have you home again. Just we three. (Graham very em- 
barrassed.) 

Wise. Yes, just we three. I have often told my little 
June that in you I felt that I had a father and a friend, 
so different from having a mother-in-law 

Graham {to audience). I feel like a criminal. But the 
blow will have to fall. {To June.) June, you know I 
was very, very lonely at Niagara. 

June. You must have been. Poor, dear papa. 

Graham. That is, I was lonely at first. Toward the 
last I wasn't lonely at all. 

Wise. You must have got in with some poker players. 

Graham. Nothing of the sort. I met a charming lady 
—a widow. 

June and W^ise. A widow? Oh, papa! 

Graham. She was just as lonely as I was. 

Wise. Yes, they generally are. 

Graham. Well, the deed was done this morning at 
seven. 

June. What? Married? 

Graham. Yes, darling, I am married. 

Wise. Sir, you have deceived me, grossly deceived me. 
I thought when I was divorced from my first wife that I 
had done with a mother-in-law forever, and how you bring 
another one here in my house. Oh, darn! {Punches sofa 
pillozv.) 

Graham. Oh, John, she's the dearest little lady pos- 
sible. So sweet and tender and gentle. Why, she scarcely 
calls her soul her own, and modest — she's hke a violet, a 
little timid, shrinking violet. 

Wise. Well, one thing is certain, she can't be as bad as 
the other one. {Telephone hell rings.) 

June. See what it is, John. 

Wise {at telephone). Hello. {Pause.) Yes, this is Pro- 



48 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

fessor Wise. (Pause.) Who is it? What? Not Billy 
Blake? (To June.) It's Billy, dear; he's just arrived. 
(/;/ pJionc.) Well, come right over to the house. We're 
expecting you. (Pause.) You can't. Why not? vStuck in 
the mud? Two miles out of town. (Pause.) All right. 
I'll come out and tow you in. Good bye. (To June.) 
He's stalled in the mud. I'll go and get him. 

June. Yes, go at once. (To Graham.) But where 
is your bride, father? 

Graham. They're out there in a cab. 

Wise. They? They? What have you done? Invested 
in a harem? Oh, this is too much. (Exit L.) 

June. What do you mean by they, father? 

Graham. I'll call them in and you can see for yourself. 
(Timidly.) You're not angry, are you, dear? Just think 
how lonely I have been ever since John took my little girl 
away from me. 

June. There was no need for it at all. But I suppose 
I must make the best of it. Call them in by all means. I 
suppose you have married a widow with seven or eight 
children. 

Graham. Oh, not as bad as that, dear. Excuse me. 
You wait here. (Exit R.) 

June. Well, they shan't live with us, at any rate. John 
and I never will allow that. 

Enter Graham ivitJi Zoie from R. 

Graham (to Zoie). This is my daughter, Zoie. Excuse 
me a moment. (Exit R.) 

June. How do you do. 

Zoie. Very well, thank you. 

June (sJiakes her hand). So glad to know you and to 
bid you welcome to your new home. I was so afraid you 
would be old and domineering. 

Zoie (kisses her). You are a dear. 

Enter Graham from R. 

Graham (cheerfully). Ah, I see you two have made 
friends. 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 49 

June. Certainly. I was just giving a welcome to my 
new mamma. 

ZoiE. Your mamma? I'm not your mamma? 

Graham. No, she's not your mamma. Certainly not. 
Here's your new mamma. 

Enter Mrs. Ford from R. SJic stands at C. glaring at 
them. 

ZoiE. Now, mamma, don't make a scene. 

June (to Graham at L.). Oh, father! {Buries her face 
in his shoulder.) 

Mrs. F. {at R.C.). Matthew! {Pause.) Matthew, I 
say. Introduce our daughter to me. {Pause — Graham 
trying to soothe June.) At once! Did you understand 
me ? At once 1 

Graham. Yes, my darling. June, this is my wife. 
(June refuses to look up.) 

Mrs. F. Humph I Nice manners, I must say. Well, 
she'll soon learn that I am to be mistress here. Zoie, call 
the servants and have the cook make me a cup of tea. 
I'm all upset. {Looks around.) Seems like I've been in 
this house before. But these houses in a college town are 
all so much alike. Zoie I 

Zoie. Yes, mamma. 

Mrs. F. You'd better take that child to her room. I 
want to have a talk with the Doctor. 

Graham. But, my love — 

Mrs. F. Zoie, do you hear me? Do I have to speak 
twice? 

Zoie. No, mamma. {Crosses to June.) Come with me, 
dear. (Leads June out at L.) 

Mrs. F. Now, sir. perhaps you will be good enough to 
explain your daughter's conduct. 

Graham. My dearest lona, she hasn't got used to you 
yet. You are an acquired taste, my love. Just like olives. 
People always like you better after they know your playful 
little ways. Now, don't worry about June. She'll come 
around all right. So will her husband — 



50 A POOR ^TARRIED MAN. 

Mrs. F. Her husband? You never told me that your 
(laughter was married. 

Graham. Didn't I? Well, I'm always forgetting little 
things like that. Oh, yes ; she's married. This house 
belongs to them. 

Mrs. F. To them? I thought you were a wealthy man. 

Graham. Well, I've got about $1,300. And a good 
country practice. You see, we'll live out on a farm in the 
country. 

Mrs. F. a farm ? I ? Never, sir ; never ! 

Graham. lona, I have noticed a marked change in you. 
Only yesterday you were all modesty and smiles and ami- 
ability. Today you seem inclined to snub me, and madam, 
I won't be snubbed. 

Mrs. F. You have deceived me, sir; deceived me. I 
thought you were a great catch. 

Graham. Well, I am pretty good. You see, when ai 
woman gets to be as old as you are — 

Mrs. F. Old? That's right. Insult me. I suppose 
you'll strike me next. Oh, why was I fool enough to 
marry a country doctor. But, thank heavens, there is a 
way of escape. 

Graham . Escape ? 

Mrs. F. Yes, I'll get a divorce. I'll sue you for alimony. 
(Crosses to door at R.) I'll teach you to deceive a trust- 
ing, innocent little female heart. You monster! (Exit R., 
followed by Graham.) 

Enter Wise and Billy from L. 

Wise. Sit down. Billy, and just make yourself at home. 
I'll run the car into the garage. (Exit L.) ' 

Billy. All right. (Sits at L.) What a change in the 
professor. (Looks around.) And what a change in the old 
place. (Picks up paper and reads.) 

Enter Tote from R. carrying baby. She does not see 
Billy as he is hidden by paper and she conies doivn R. 

ZoiE (to baby). Ah, sweetums. sweetums. 
Billy (drops paper, rises). Zoie! 



A POOR MARRIED MAX. 51 

ZoiE. Billy Blake! 

Billy. I've just returned for you after a trip around 
the world. And I find you with sweetums. Oh, Zoie, 
you've broken my heart again (Starts to exit L.) 

Zoie {runs after him). Billy, wait a moment. Billy. 

Billy. Awav, fair, false, perfidious woman. Away! 
{Exit L.) ' 

Zoie. Oh, he must think I'm still a married woman. 
I'll see mamma and have her fix things up with Billy. 
{Exit R.) 

Enter Jupiter from R. just as Billy looks in at L. 

Jupiter (seeing him). Well, if dat ain't Mr. Blake. 
Well, I'll be dog-goned. 

Enter Billy from L. 

Billy. Where is she? And where is sweetums? 

Jupiter. Where is ivho? Ain't nobody by dat name libs 
here. 

Billy. I thought Professor Wise's wife had left him. 

TuPiTER. No, sah. she ain't left. She's in dere. (Points 
to'R.) 

Billy. So they're still married. 

Jupiter. Yes, sah, I reckon dey is. 

Billy. Whatever became of her mother? 

Jupiter. Whose mother? 

Billy. Mrs. Wise's mother. 

Jupiter. Oh, she's dead. Yes, sah, no more mother- 
in-law for de professor. 

Billy. So the old lady is dead, is she? Well, I had a 
message for her from her husband. I saw him in China 
and he wanted me to ask her to forgive him and to join 
him in China. And now she's dead. 

Enter Wise from L. 

Wise. Jupe, tell my wife that Mr. Blake is here. 
Jupiter. Yas, sah ; dat's jes' what I was goin' to do. 
(Exit R.) 
Billy. I think she knows it. I caught a glimpse of her 



52 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

a moment ago. You're a lucky man, professor. Are you 
happy ? 

Wise. I'm the happiest fellow in America. I wouldn't 
change places with anyone. And how is it with you? Has 
your trip around the world helped to hring you happiness? 

Billy. It has not. Zoie is the only woman I ever loved. 
Zoie is the only woman I ever can love. 

Wise. Well, why don't you tell her so ? 

Billy (blankly). Tell her so? Have I your permission? 

Wise. Certainly. You see Zoie and fix it all up. Hon- 
est, Billy, I think she still loves you. 

Billy. And you don't object? 

Wise. Not at all. Why should / object? 

Billy. And don't you care for her any more? 

Wise. Not a bit. I don't care for anyone but June. 
My darling little June. 

Billy. He must mean sweetums. 

Wise. And if you still love Zoie, for heavens sakes 
take her. 

Billy. I thought you loved your wife. 

Wise. I adore her. 

■Billy. And so do I? 

Wise. What? Say, do you adore all my wives? 

Billy. Professor, you must have had a sunstroke. 
How many wives have you? 

Wise. What are you talking about? Billy, you're not 
"feeling well. You'd better come to your room and lie 
down . 

Billy. No, I don't want to lie down. 

Wise (taking his arm). There, there; don't get excited. 
Come with me. (Pulls him toward L.) 

Billy. But I want to see your wife. I love your wife. 

Wise. Come along. Poor fellow. That long ride was 
too much for you. Come along. (Wise pulls Billy out 

Enter Mrs. Ford from R. 

Mrs. F. I've stood just about as much as I'm going to. 
I'm not going to unpack my things. That little simpleton 
won't speak to me. And the Doctor has basely deceived me 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 53 

about his finances. This room looks very famihar to me. 
{Crosses up to corner and looks at corner ornament, her 
back to audience.) I certainly have seen it before. 

Enter ^^'ISE from L. 

Wise. Well, I put Billy in his room. 

(Mrs. F. turns around faciui^ him. She stands perfectly 
still. He sees her. Violent fright and terror seize him, 
staggers back, brushes back his hair, stares, opens and 
closes his eyes, counts his fingers, takes pin from coat, 
sticks it in his knee, drives it home zvith fist, turns head, 
falls on chair, covers head zvith cushion, tries to climb over 
crib, seizes opera glasses, looks at her, reverses glasses, 
looks again, approaches her trembling. She stands im- 
movable. He touches her arm, screams in terror, staggers 
back, recovers partly.) 

Mrs. F. You wretch ! You villain ! 

Wise. I thought it' was a nightmare, \\niat are you 
doing in my house? 

Mrs. F. Your house? I have a right here. I am your 
mother-in-law. 

Wise. Never! It can't be true. 

Mrs. F. I married your wife's father at seven o'clock 
this morning. 

Wise {crosses to R.). June, June, put on your hat. 
W'e're going to take a little trip to Europe. 

Mrs. F. {crosses to L. C). Go, then, and good riddance 

to you. 

Enter Billy from L. 

Billy. IMrs. Dean ! I thought you were dead. 
Mrs. F. Dead? The idea. {Looks at Wise.) But I 
suppose some people wish I were. 

Enter Zoie from L. 

ZoiE. Billy, why did you run away from me? {Crosses 
to him.) 

Bjlly. Because your husband might object to me. 



54 A POOR MARRIED MAN. 

ZoiE. Husband? I haven't any husband. 
Billy. But, professor, I thought you said — 

Enter June zvith baby from L. 

Wise. Oh, Billy, let me introduce you to my wife. 
Billy. Oh, that's your wife, is it? 
Wise. Yes. Wife and family. 

Enter Graham from L. ivith coat, hat and grip. He 
crosses to door R. and is about to exit. 

June. Papa, where are you going? 

Graham. Anywhere to get away from my wife. 

Mrs. F. Oh, listen to that man. And we were only 
married at seven this morning. 

Billy. Married ? You married ! But your husband is 
still alive. 

Mrs. F. Not Socrates? Wasn't he drowned? 

Billy. Nothing of the kind. !• saw him two months 
ago in Pekin, China. And he's got money to burn. 

Mrs. F. My, what a flutter you have caused me. 

Billy. He told me to look you up, and begs you to 
come over to China. 

Mrs. F. But Pm married again. 

Graham. Nothing of the sort. You might be arrested 
for bigamy. 

Mrs. F. Oh, don't arrest me. It was all a mistake. 

Zoie (at L.). Billy, why didn't you ever write to me? 

Billy. I was waiting to hear from you. I wouldn't 
write to you as long as you were Mrs. Wise. 

Zoie. Oh, what a lot of time we've wasted. 

Billy. Pm going back to my ranch in Arizona. 

Zoie. Oh I always wanted to live on a ranch. {They 
converse.) 

Wise {calls off R.). Jupe, Jupe, where are you? 

Jupiter {puts his head in at R.). Yas sah ; here I is. 

Wise. Send over to the hotel and have them send up 
the best dinner they can arrange. Order for six. 

JuPiTKR. For six? Well, PU be dog-goned. {E.vit R.) 



A POOR MARRIED MAN. 55 

June. And everything- is turning out lovel)^ after all. 
Oh, papa, I'm so glad you're not married again. 

Graham. Glad? Well, mayhe you think I'm not. 

Mrs. F. (tosses her head). And maybe you think I'm 
not. There's no one who ever took Socrates' place in 
my heart. He was my first and only love. 

Billy (at L. with Zoie). We'll be married tonight, and 
tomorrow we'll take the Limited for Arizona. 

Mrs. F. And I'll go with you. 

Billy. Not on your life. Socrates is waiting for you. 
Remember he is rich. He owns the largest string of mov- 
ing picture theaters in China. 

Mrs. F. Then I'll go with him. My first duty is to 
my dear, dear husband. But how wall you ever get along 
without me? 

Billy. It will be an awful blow, but I think we'll 
manage. 

Mrs. F. Well, I want to leave this place at once. 

Graham. Just a moment. (Comes to front at R.) 

Mrs. F. (at L. C). \\'hat are you going to do? Make 
a speech ? 

Graham (to audience). 

And now, dear friends, before you go, 

I'd point the moral of our show. 

Is marriage a failure? What's your guess? 

Wise (at R. C). My vote is no. 

Billy. So's mine. 

Mrs. F. And mine is "Yes." 

Zoie (at L.). Look before you leap is a good old saw, 

Wise. And don't be bossed by a mother-in-law. 
But choose a girl who is sweet and true. 
Who loves her home — ■ 

June. And loves you, too. 

Wise. Think of my trials and ponder thereupon, 
And if you are in doubt consult poor John. 

June. If you heed that, you'll every one confess 
That marriage is a great and grand success. 

Slow Curtain. 



Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown 

By WALTER BEN HARE. 

Price, 25 Cents 

Comedy-drama In 3 acts; 4 males, 7 females (5 are children). 
Time, 214 hours. Scene: 1 interior. Characters: Mrs. Tuttbs, 
the sunshine of Shantytown. Miss Clingie Vine, her lady boarrler, 
real genteel. Mrs. Hickey, a neighbor wlio hates gossip. Maydelle 
Campbell, the young school teaclier. Simon Rub))els, the corner 
grocery man. Tom Riordan, the census taker. Queenic, aged 
twelve. Methusalem, aged eleven. Billy, aged seven. Victoria, 
aged three. Elmira, aged ten. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — Mrs. Mollie Tubljs and her happy little family in 
Shantytown. The pretty, young school teacher and the Census 
Taker have a disagreement. Mrs. Tubbs as first aid to Cupid. 
Mrs. Hickey expresses her opinion of Simon Rubljels. Miss Clingie 
Vine has her census taken. "My maw was a Virginia Hamm, and 
whenever we had company, papaw always wore full evening 
garbage." Bad news from Kansas. "There ain't no way too far 
for a mother's love. I'm going to my boy." 

Act II. — A month later. Mrs. Tubbs returns. Simon Rubbels 
decides to find a wife. "If he ain't a red-lieaded hippopotamus, 
there never was one on tliis green earth." A Sliantytown high 
jinks with song and menagerie. Clingie Vine decides to be a siren. 
Tlie light in the window for Jimmie. "I've got my babies, and 
I've got their love, and all the money in the world can't take that 
from me, so Mr. Simon Rubbles, the honorable Mrs. Tubbs re- 
spectfully declines your offer of matrimony." 

Act III.- — A Shantytown Thanksgiving. Mrs. Hickey brings the 
news and Miss Vine inherits a fortune. Mr. Rubbels woriies Mrs. 
Tubbs again. "You kin turn me out in the streets tomorrow, Init 
tonight this house belongs to me. Now there's tlie door and* 
tliere's your hat. I won't detain you.no longer." Miss Vine, and 
the good looking grocery boy. ".Timmie, my boy, my boy!" The 
return of the Prodigal Son. "I reckon I'm the happiest wonian in 
the United States of America. Mv cup runneth over, my cup 
runntth over!" MRS. TUBBS SAYS: 

"Clingie's certainly a long time makin' up her inind, but when 
she's sot a steam sliovel liimwelf couldn't unset her." 

"I hope and I trust, and when a person hopes and trusts fer 
a thing they ginerally git it. "Everything is bound to come out 
right some time." 

"I ain't goin' to worry. There ain't no use in h'istin' your 
umbrella until it begins to rain." 

"I jest do what I have to do and make the best of it. Mr. 
Tubbs used to say that my voice would scare anything, so I jest 
try to make it scare the blues." 

"Bibulous? Bibulous, Theodore Tubbs, bibulous? Why, mister, 
that man didn't know no more about the Bible than my sister's 
cat's tail. And what's more, I ain't got no sister. 

"Men is men tlie liull world over, and it seems jest like it's 
a man's nature to do tliat which they ouglitn't to do, and to leave 
undone them things they ouglit to have did. That's Scripture." 

"What difference docs money make? If you've got your youth 
and your strength and your love, that's worth all the money that 
was ever made in this wliole world." 

"Love your country and stand up fer it to the last ditch. Poor 
folks can love their country jest the same as rich ones. And better." 

"Keeii smiling." 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



Sava^eland 

By WALTER BEN HARE. 

Price, 50 Cents 

Musical comedy in 2 acts; "i males, 5 females and chorus. 
Time, 2i/^ hours. Scenes: 2 exteriors. Characters: Jake Heinz, 
tlie flfty-ninth \ariet.v. Sherlocko (Voinbs, a defective detective. 
Buckskin Buddy, from Suvageland. Gilroy Clay, in love. Big Chief 
Heap Much Scalpem. Marigold Lee, the Quaker maid. Daffodil 
Dotty; poetess of passion. Biidie Magoogin, the Irish Cinderella. 
Ysohel. in vaudeville. Wee-nah, the marble lady. Contains nine 
catcliy songs: "Summer Girlies," "Fair Quaker Maid," "The ]Mod- 
est Blossom," "Letter Song," "Ho, for the West," "He Never Came 
Back Again," "The Little Birch Canoe," "The Message of the Red, 
Red Rose" and "Twinkle Doodle Dum." Five of the songs are set 
to original music by Heni-y Bcthucl Vincent. The remainder are 
sung to familiar college airs. The foundation of the plot is laughter, 
carefree, a ))it of satire, a touch of sentiment, which combined, 
will make you understand that life's a merry jest in Savageland. 
Detailed directions given with each musical nimnber for the ar- 
rangement of the chprus, marching, stage pictin-es, etc. 

First produced by The Savage Club at Cornell University. Suit- 
able for any occasion and especially r.ecommended for college and 
high school productions. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — The Summer Girls and the Little Qvtaker Maid. &her- 
locko Combs, the wonderful detective, searching for a missing 
heiress. "She's worth a million, has a green shamrock tatooed 
on her right wrist and wears a No. 10 shoe." Buckskin Buddy 
from Savageland looks for the detective. A missing pitclior of 
pearls. Sherlocko on tlie trail. Jake Heinz, the fifty-ninth variety, 
becomes a Doctor Watson. Clay finds that the course of true 
love never did run smoothly. Miss Daffodil Dotty, the poetess 
of passion, has an inspiration. The Cowboy and the Lady. "Ho, 
for the West!" A living statue. Birdie Ma.googin's story. The 
new cook shows Iier temper. Jake Heinz, on tlie trail, proves 
himself a hero. Jake finds the missing heiress and wins her for 
liis bride. "Then hit the trail for Savageland, three thousand 
miles away!" 

Act II. — In the Savage Mountains. .lake and Birdie on their 
honeymoon. Tlie automatic carbuncle of the automobile explodes. 
"Ye should liave used soothing syrup instead of gasoline." The 
Duchess Heinz entertains with a green tea. The Scotch Laird of 
Kilkuse. "Hoot, nion, lioot!" "He talks like an owl — because he's 
from the owld country." Music lessons in Savageland. "He lias 
a cadenza like a flamingo and warbles like an aurora borealis!" 
Marigold realizes that the old love is the best love. The Yaki 
Indians and t!ieir Chief, Heap Much Scalpem. A pipe of peace. 
The Chief throws dust and declares war. The missing Goddess of 
Love. Sherlocko exposed. The storm in the mountains. Lightning 
strikes an old tree, it falls apart and discloses the goddess, 
Wee-nah. "The wonderful Sherlocko never fails." 

"A capacity audience at the Lyceum Theater last night was 
given two hours of unalloyed fun with the Savages in 'Savageland' 
and many were the regrets when Wee-nah was discovered and 
there was nothing left to do but to return to Ithaca and the work- 
aday world." — Ithaca Evening News. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



Macbeth a la Mode 

By WALTER BEN HARE. 

Price, 25 Cents 

School burletta in 3 acts; 7 males, 7 females, also teachers, 
students, etc., with only a few lines. Time, IVi hours. No scenery 
required, merely a front curtain and an easel with placards an- 
nouncing scenes. Plot: "Willie Macbeth is tlie social leader of the 
Senior Class. With his friend Banquo he encounters Three 
Witches, who prophecy that he will pass his examinations, be 
elected to a class office and will play on the football team. The 
first two prophecies come true and in Act II, Lady Macbeth, his 
mother, arranges for him to play on the football team, by drugging 
the captain. Macbeth flies to the witches for further advice and 
learns that he will make a touchdown. He does, but runs with 
the ball toward the enemy's goal, thus losing the game for his 
own team. Contains five songs: "Fairwell, My Fairy Fay," 
"Tact," "The Senior Class," "Music and Laughter" and "Good 
Night," all sung to college airs. This play is very humorous and 
particularly adapted for schools. 

THE WITCHES' CHANT 



Round about the cauldron go; 

Mathematics you must know. 

Let X equal the cold stone. 

When will Y be thirty-one? 

Drop that in the mystic pan; 

Tell me, pray, how old is Ann? 

Double, double, boil and bublile, 

Mathematics makes them trou- 
V)le. 

Fillet of a fenny snake. 

In the cauldron boil and bake; 

Eye of newt and toe of frog, 

Wool of bat and tongue of dog, 

Biology makes 'em cut and jab. 

Thirteen hours a week in lab. 

Latin, Greek and German, too. 

Fifty pages make a stew. 

And to thicken up the mystery. 

Take two chapters English His- 
tory. 

Physics, French and English Lit, 



Spend an hour on each or .git. 
All night long from six to three. 
Study matlt and chemistry. 
In the hours when you should 

dream, 
Write an English twelve-page 

theme. 
Work at night and Sunday, too. 
Outside reading you must do. 
Next day, when you're on the 

bunk, 
Teacher springs exam — j'ou 

flunk. 
Double, double, boil and bubble. 
High school life is full of trouble. 
Cool it with a Freshman's blood. 
Then the chai-m is thick and 

good. 
By the pricking of my thumbs, 
Something wicked this way 

comes. 



Reminiscences of the Donation Party 

By JESSIE A. KELLEY. 

Price, 25 Cents 

The solilnciuy of a minister's wife, with tableaux. For 40 or 
more cliai'acters, both sexes, although the number is optional and 
it can bo presented with a smaller cast. Time, about lif) minutt-s. 
Tlie wife at the side of the stage i-ecounts the many amusin.g 
incident. s of the party, tells who attended and what they brought, 
etc. The characters appear in pantomime. This entertainment is 
unique. It fills the demand for something that can be put on "at 
the last moment." It eliminates the usual lon.g preparations re- 
quired in producing a play; no parts to memorize and it can be 
played on ;iny platfoim. Highly humorous, replete with local hits 
and strongU- iccoinincndcd for church societies. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



The Royal Highway 

By CHARLES ULRICH. 

Price, 25 Cents 

A comedy-drama in 4 acts; S males, 3 females. Time, 2i^ 
hours. Scenes: :! interiors. Characters: Arthur Morgan, a law- 
yer. Charles Williams, a mine superintendent. Bill Hampton, a 
political boss. Harry Felton, a clerk. Horace Allen, a secretary. 
Rev. .Jordan, a Metliodist minister. .Jimmy Farrell, an ex-convict. 
Sam Harrison, a detective. Margaret Ames, known as Miss 
Holmes. I^ucy Matthews, a stenographer. Mrs. Mary Jones, presi- 
dent of the Ladies' Aid Society. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — The game of modern politics. The bribe. Morgan 
defies a political boss. "I'll ciush you like I would a flyl" An 
anon>-mous philanthropist. Tlie compact and avowal of love. The 
robbery and accusation. Margaret saves Morgan's honor. "No, 
it wa.j Providence!" 

Act II. — "I wish I had a millionaire friend like Miss Ames!" 
Farrell luitts in. "Youse is playing a game of hearts what ain't 
in your contract." T\"illiams divides the spoils. Margaret defies 
Williams, "Wliere did you get that money?" A villian's kiss and 
punishment. The power of attorney. "You'll be at my feet cry- 
ing for mercy!" 

Act III. — "Who is this anonymous philanthropist?" "The New 
York police are looking for you!" The tables turned. "I'll get 
your measure all right!" Tlie story of Morgan's sorrow. "I could 
not forgive the woman who deceived me!" Tlie nomination and 
accusation. Margaret's joy. "You are indeed a man among men!" 
Act IV. — "This suspense is driving me mad!" The letter. "I'm 
on the track of the man who killed my sister!" The convict's 
secret. "Williams was mv pal in Sing Sing!" Margaret reveals 
herself. "Gee! She's an iceberg!" "How little you know of true 
love!" "Williams pays the penalty of treachery. Harry's promo- 
tion. On the royal highway. 

Re-Taming of the Shrew 

By JOHN W. POSTGATE. 

Price, 25 Cents 

Humorous Shakespearean travesty in one act; 6 males, 5 females. 
Time about 45 minutes. One simple interior scene. Characters: 
Petruchio Angelo, Duke of Illyria, Othello, Macbeth, Grumio, 
Katherine, Mariana, "Viola, Desdemonia and Lady Macbeth. Plot: 
After her w-oeful honevmoon, Katherine becomes an ardent suf- 
fragist and imposes household duties on Petruchio, who submits 
to petticoat government. At a meeting of the women, man's doom 
as a political or domestic power is announced. The women return 
to Petruchio's home to find their husbands having a high old time. 
A lively controversy ensues but the men win the day when they 
threaten to appeal" to the divorce courts. This travesty draws 
material from "Taming of the Shrew," "Measure for Measure, 
"Twelfth Night," "Othello" and "Macbeth." It retains many of 
the original lines from the plavs, yet most ingeniously devised to 
fit the conditions of todav. Costumes either Shakespearean or 
modern. Especially recommended for schools, colleges, etc. Re- 
plete with humor and should please any good club or s ociety. 

T. S. DENISON^^OMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



A Rustic Romeo 

By WALTER BEN HARE. 

Price, 25 Cents 

A musical comedy in 2 acts, 10 males, 12 females. Only 5 
m. and 4 f. have lines. The rest are in the cliorus. It can be 
played by 5 m., 4 f., eliminating the chorus. It will prove equally 
successful when produced witliout music. Time, 2^4 liours. Scenes: 
1 exterior, 1 interior. Characters: John Jabe Doolittle, the would- 
be heart smasher of Chowderville. Hinli Spinny, who peddles 
tinware, woodenware and hardware everywhere. Sid Roberts, wlio 
longs for the "Great White Way." Azariah Figg, storelieeper. 
Grandpaw Blue, tlie oldest inhabitant. Evalina Tupper, the vil- 
lage belle. Miss Dee, a lovelorn critter. Mrs. Spriggs, looking 
for the third. Honeysucl^le Spriggs, her little sunbeam. The 
Chowderville fire brigade and its charming society leaders, con- 
stitute the chorus. Contains ten exceptionally clever songs, hu- 
morous and sentimental. "I Want a Big-Town Girl" is set to 
original music. The remainder are sung to familiar college airs. 
"Pretty Girls," "I'm Falling in Love Again," "Moonlight Sere- 
nade," "John Jabe's Wedding," "Over the Banister," "The Chow- 
der Fire Brigade," "Gay Manhattan," "Love's Waltz" and "On 
the Fourth of July." A most interesting plot wound about the 
events of a small town, which keeps one's interest keen until 
Figg finally locates his $70.00 and John Jabe gets a wife. This 
play is a decided novelty. Directions are given with the songs, 
explaining in detail how the chorus may be drilled to march, form 
figures, pictures, etc., which are very effective, yet in the range 
of amateurs. A clever stage director should make this show ejua,! 
most metropolitan successes. Especially recommended for col- 
lege productions. Professional stage rights reserved and a royalty 
of five dollars required for amateur performance. 

SYNOPSIS. 
Act I. — Chowderville on a busy day. Honeysuckle and St. 
Cecelia astonish the rubes. The boy whose father was bad. "Do 
I look like a. tall-grass sister?" Miss Dee, a lone, lorn critter, tells 
of the awfulness of the world. Tlie village belle and the Rustic 
Romeo. "Girls, girls, girls!' A matrimonial advertisement from 
a clinging little blonde named Golden-haired Flossie. Hink Spin- 
ney tries to propose to Evalina. "If I only had $70!" Mrs. Spriggs 
astonishes the natives. "I'll make you think a Kansas tornado has 
struck your town." A moonlight serenade. The robbery. "Who 
stole my $70?" 

Act II. — John Jabe's hotel on the Fourth of July. A country 
wedding. Honeysuckle and the four rubes. "Skidoo is New York 
talk for scat." The Fairfield Road folks come to the wedding. 
Miss Dee's wedding present, a bottle of Miggins' Stomach Balm, 
good "fer every ailment in the human cistern." An unwilling 
bridegroom. Figg catches the thief — almost. The Chowder fire 
brigade. A suspicious bride with a temper. Deserted on her 
wedding morn. "We'll be as happy as two little twin cubebs." A 
double wedding and divided wedding presents. Figg recovers his 
$70. Patriotic finale: On the Fourth of July. 

"We played 'A Rustic Romeo' a few niglits ago to a packed 
house. A dandy play for amateurs." — Tom Conley, Luling, Texas. 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



Catchy Son^s in A Rustic Romeo 



I WANT A BIG-TOWN GIRL 

There is always some excite- 
ment 
To be found in New York 
town ; 
I want to learn to be a sport 

And turn things upside down. 
I want to win a pile of tin 

And liear the popping cork: 
I'll be a good chap, not a coun- 
try yap. 
When I strike old New York. 

PRETTY GIRLS 

Listen, listen, a secret I'll un- 
fold, 

lii.sten. listen, you're worth your 
weight in gold. 

It's love that turns the world 
around, 

Bright eyes and dainty curls. 

There's nothing on the earth 
that can 

Compare with pretty girls. 

One night I took a stroll, 'twas 
in September. 
A starlit night, no moon in 
sight, 
I saw a figure neat, if I remem- 
ber, 
Stroll in the park, 'twas rather 
dark. 
She sat alone upon a bench ap- 
pearing weary. 
As I went by, she heaved a 
sigh, 
I kissed her as I said, "Good 
evening, dearie!" 
I took a look. A negro cook! 

Listen, listen, she started after 

me, 
Bawling, bawling, "I'm your 

affinity;" 



It's love that turns the world 

around, 
Bright eyes and dainty curls. 
But I must draw the color line 
\\'h(n ki.ssing pretty girls. 

I'M FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN 

A sweet dainty widow, with 
sweet dainty ways, 
I'm on the lookout for a man; 
And thougli I had two and each 
one did skidoo 
I'm doing the best that I can 
To find me a third. I want a 
sweet boy 
To shield me from worry and 
strife. 
And surely in all this big bunch 
out in front 
There's someone who wants a 
nice wife. 

Chorus. 
I'm Iiead ov«r heels in the ocean 
of love, 
Now one of you horrible men 
Please be a life saver and throw 
me a line, 
I'm faling in love again. 

JOHN JABEZ' WEDDING 

Then we'll have a country din- 
ner, 
Oyster pie and cold pigs' feet, 
For I know John Jabez' wed- 
ding 
Will be mighty hard to beat. 
Uncle Ted'll play the fiddle, 

Marthy Patt she will pi-ann, 
"Swing yer pardners to the 
middle," 
Old maid .Ten has caught a 
man. 



"We gave 'A Rustic Romeo' and it was a great success. It 
is the best play for amateurs I have ever seen." — Sue H. Taylor, 
East Radford, Va. 

"I played a part in 'A Rustic Romeo' when it was given here 
last spring and it was certainly a wonderful play." — Harold E. 
Gilland, Clearfield, Pa. 

" 'A Rustic Romeo' was well received and praised very highly 
by the audience." — W. L. Roper, Anna, Texas. 

"A splendid musical drama. A record-breaking crowd wit- 
nessed 'A Rustic Romeo.' The play was a good one and the 
applause well merited." — Journal, Hannibal, Mo. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



Parlor Matches 

By WALTER BEN HARE. 
Price, 25 Cents 

An engaging comedy of society, 2 acts; 4 males, 5 females. 
Time, 1% hours. Scene: 1 simple interior. Characters: Vance 
Trelford, a professional hero, who doesn't want to be engaged. 
Don Radey, his cousin, a serious young man, engaged, thank you. 
X erdinand Poppleton, a frivolous young man, liliewise engaged, 
.iorkes, the Initler, who may or may not be engaged. Mrs. Seltoon, 
who believes in engagements. Margaret Seltoon, her elder daugh- 
ter, engaged to Mr. Radey. Suzanne Seltoon, her younger daughter, 
engaged to Mr. Poppleton. Gail Lawience, her ward, engaging 
and eventually engaged. Abigail Mullen, A. B., her maid, tem- 
porarily engaged, as it were. 

SVNOPSIS. 

Act I. — A morning in June at Solitaire Villa, Dovecote. Mrs. 
Seltoon smootlis out the course of true love. "Whoever heard 
of a grass widow playing a heroine in a love scene?" "Oh, it's 
one of the best things they do." Mrs. Seltoon seeking a man for 
her niece. "What is his yearly income'.'" The butler's opinion 
of a woman A. B. "Near-sighted, men's shoes, short bedratabled 
skirts, last year's hat and a banner saying Votes for Women!" 
The new maid who is a graduate from the Splinterville Normal. 
The moving picture hero. "Women make me nervous. I always 
keep out of tlieir way." Symptoms of hydropliobia. "I bark, bow- 
wow-wow!" "His father is in oil and vinegar." "Is it a new kind 
of a bath?" Gail announces her engagement to the moving pic- 
ture hero. "He's here in town!" "Fall, O walls, and crush me!" 

Act n. — A dinner party. Ferdy decides to enlist in the army. 
A reconciliation. Abigail and Adrian Lee of the movies. "Those 
eyes, that nose, it's him?" "I've seen you propose in white 
flannels, in feathers, in full evening clothes, in a sailor suit, 
and in tlie garbage of a monk, and every time you've won her in 
the end." Gail and her fiancee. That odious Mr. Trelford. Din- 
ner is served. Vance Trelford learns that he is engaged. '.'I ex- 
pected it all along." "Yes, I begin to think that I did it myself." 

Sewing for the Heathen 

By WALTER BEN HARE. 

Price, 15 Cents 

Entertainment for 9 ladies, either young or middle-aged. Time, 
■10 minutes. Can be played on any stage or platform, or even In 
any room. Very refined. Suitable for church or any society. Char- 
acters: Mrs. Judd, the hostess. Mrs. Chester, the president. Mrs. 
R. B. Powers, tlie stranger. Grandma Gibbs, deaf but persistent. 
Miss Luella Huggins, so sentimental. Mrs. Strong, a suffragist. 
Mrs. Meeker, gentle and good. Mrs. Day, a bride. Meelv, the 
hired girl. SYNOPSIS. 

An anxious hostess. Meely wants to serve winny-wurst sand- 
wiches and noodle soup. The mystery of the jardeniere. The 
President arrives before she is expected. "It was her hair; she 
hadn't got it all on yet." Red flannels for the Hottentots in the 
middle of Africa. A stranger in town, the rich Mrs. Powers. A 
trip down town. Grandma Gibbs and her ear-trumpet. The rich 
Mrs. Powers is mistaken for the dressmaker. The meeting of the 
society. A little tiff. The giddy IMiss Huggins is late as usual. 
A present from the men. "Sewing for tlie Heathen." 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



/ 



•1^: 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Price X5 Cents Each, Postpaid. Unless Different Price Is Given 



M. F. 

Documentary Evidence, 25 min. 1 1 

Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min.... 4 2 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min.... 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 
Fun in a Photograph Gallery, 

30 min 6 10 

Great Doughnut Corporation, 

30 min. 3 5 

Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min.. 12 

Hans Von Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 

Happy Pair, 25 min 1 1 

I'm Not Mesilf at All, 25 min. 3 2 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

Is the Kditor In? 20 min... 4 2 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min.... 8 

Mike Donovan's Courtship, 15 m. 1 3 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Carver's Fancy Ball, 40 m. 4 3 
Mrs. i^tubbins' Book Agenf ^0 

min .' . . , 3 2 

My Lord in Livery, 1 hr.... 4 3 

My Neighbor's Wife, 45 min.. 3 3 

My Turn Next, 45 min 4 3 

My Wife's Relations, 1 hr 4 6 

Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 

Obstinate Family, 40 min 3 3 

Only Cold Tea. 20 min 3 3 

Outwitting the Colonel, 25 min. 3 2 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 

Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min. 6 3 

Regular Fix, 35 min... 6 4 

Rough Diamond, 40 min 4 3 

Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 

Smith, the Aviator, 40 min... 2 3 

Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 

Tammg a Tiger, 30 min 3 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Those Red Envelopes, 25 min. 4 4 
Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

_ min 3 6 

Treasure from Egypt, 45 min. 4 1 

Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 

Two P.onnycastles, 45 min 3 3 

Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min.. 8 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min.. 3 2 

Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 

Wanted a Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Which Will He Marry ? 20 min. 2 8 

Who Is Who? 40 min 3 2 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

Yankee Peddler, 1 hr.. 7 3 



VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, IMON- 
OLOGUES, ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. 

M. F. 

Ax'in' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 

Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.lO 
Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 

Cold Finish, 1 5 min 2 1 

Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 1 
Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 
Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m.l4 

Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 1 

Doings of a Dude, 20 min 2 1 

Dutch Cocktail, 20 min 2 

Five Minutes from Yell Col- 
lege, 15 min 2 

For Reform, 20 min 4 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 2 1 
Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. I 1 
Handy Andy (Negro), 12 min. 2 

Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 

Home Run, IS min 1 1 

Hot Air, 25 min 2 1 

Jumbo Jum, 30 min 4 3 

Little Red School House. 20 m. 4 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 

Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 
Mischievous Nigger, 25 min.. 4 2 

Mistaken Miss, 20 min 1 1 

Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min 1 1 

Mr. Badgei^s Uppers, 40 min. 4 2 
One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 
Oshkosh Next Week, 20 min.. 4 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10 

min _ 1 

Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 

Pooh Bah of Peacetown, 35 min. 2 2 
Prof. Black's Funnygraph, 15 m. 6 

Recruiting Office, 15 min 2 

Sham Doctor, 10 min 4 2 

Si and I, IS min 1 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Stage Struck Darky, 10 min.. 2 1 
Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min ;... 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 
Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 
Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 
Umbrella Mender, IS min.... 2 
Uncle Bill at the Vaudeville, 

IS min 1 

Uncle Jeff, 25 min 5 2 

Who Gits de Reward? 30 min. 5 1 

A great number of 

Standard and Amateur Plays 

not found here are listed in 

Denison's Catalogue 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY, Publish8rs,154 W.Randolph St., Chicago 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



015 907 659 3 

POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT BOOKS 

Price* Illustrated Paper Covers* 25 cents each 



( 1 MM 50 cwrr f I 

LITTLE PEOPLE'S 

■ iPLAYS/ll 




fT.s.OEmsotr 

t COMPANY 
ratUSHERS CHICAGO 



IN this Series 
are found 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 



DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues, 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 50,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awal<e Dialogues. 

Brand new, original, successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For p..pils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, original. 
Monologues Grave and Gay. 

Dramatic and humorous. 
The Patriotic Speaker. 

Master thoughts of master minds. 



The Poetical Entertainer. 

For reading or speaking. 
Pomes ov the Peepul. 

Wit, humor, satire, funny poems. 
Scrap- Book Recitations. 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prose, 
poetry. 14 Nos., per No. 26c. 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

lintertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget, 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Private Theatricals. 

How to put on plays. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black American Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland, via the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

-Ml atout the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 

Large Illustrated CataloKue Free 



T.S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers,154 W. Randolph St.. Chicago 



